Some time ago, I had a few "James Callis fat" searches. They found my blog with that, and while I don't think I ever said he is fat, I've certainly mentioned fat located in his body many enough times. I'll admit I was turned on by these searches, but I also felt - really sad. Most people, when they say "fat", they mean it in the bad way. Many people have said I'm fat in the bad way. It feels humiliating, even if you try to re-educate yourself and love your body. And I'm kind of shocked that anyone would think James is fat. I know there are people who think un-lean=fat, but it's just... really not the word I'd use with him, even at his relative chubbiest.
Then I thought: what if they search for that because someone is pointing people's attention towards his weight? Someone like, say, me. If you do a James Callis weight search, you come up with me multiple times. Embarrassingly many times, in fact.
So, I talk about James' belly a lot. This is more to mock myself than him, and I definitely never meant any harm by it. I think everyone who knows me has realized that I'm just into fat, it's not a bash if I say he's gained weight or whatever. I would never have mentioned if it he hadn't said something about it first. So as long as you know me and James, it's just harmless. But if you don't? Suppose you're just a drive-by reader and you come across a post of me saying James gains weight alll the time and he's so chubby and all that. Suppose you don't get my humor? Suppose James doesn't want this attribute constantly advertised?
The last thing I want to be is a fan blog that makes people think James is fat. That would be awful. I'd be contributing to a culture I hate: the culture of scrutinizing celebrity bodies and mocking them. I'm glad to say James fans are too mature to do this, but BSG has a big fandom with all sorts. There have been quite a few Fat Lee jokes, and some of them weren't entirely benevolent. James' career is followed by many BSG fans... yeah, I don't know.
One reason I've been doing this openly is that James isn't fat, and his weight gains have been pretty negligible (and sometimes invisible to people other than me, but if he says so himself, it's not in my head!). If that were to change, maybe it would be more important to be discreet about it. I'm not sure where it's going at the moment, but he's aging and it would be only natural if he began to gain more weight and not lose it back as easily. It might be a little mean to keep pointing it out. If I'm in the habit of talking about it, people might wonder why I suddenly stopped, but to be quite honest: the fatter he gets, the less OK I'll feel talking about it. I'm not sure how he feels about it and it comes a little too close to my own issues. I'd still feel turned on by it if he got fat, but I have so many issues myself that it's a bit of a clusterfuck.
It might be because I'm trying to heal from my own eating disorder, but I just feel like I don't need to be publicly involved in James' weight changes anymore. I went through a phase where I had to comment on everything he does and says and is, but I think that's the sort of thing I should steer away from. I'm not his binary messenger. He has his own Twitter and if he chooses to talk about his weight, he can do so. He chooses not to, so maybe I should take my cue from that. He's not my plaything, after all.
The fat fetish is a difficult thing in this respect, because I frequently feel the NEED to talk about it, but I also want to be kind and fat acceptant. It's probably not a great thing for the blog either way. I can always bore my friends to tears with weight gain fan fiction (HeadSix taunting Gaius about it or something). I don't need to do it here. I don't want to feel remorseful for possibly giving the wrong impression.
I just can't find peace with this, so I think it's easier to stop talking about it than constantly feel guilty over it. The guilt probably means I'm walking a fine line and possibly breaking my own rules because of the fetish. If you want to see the belly talk continue, speak now or forever hold your peace. (If you think "thank GOD she's gonna stop it", you can keep that to yourself, because I feel embarrassed already.) Maybe I'm overreacting, I can't be sure. I just really want to be kind.
So I'm gonna stop talking about James' belly, but rest assured I'm still gushing about it within. I just want to be kind. And I want this to be a place of respect (and loving teasing), not mocking.
And if I ever did mock: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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