Epiphanies: A picspam

This post was meant to be in the LiveJournal community BSG_Journeyhome, which is a Gaius/Six centric rewatch community. (Do join if you're interested! We're at around the end of season 2.) However, LiveJournal is refusing to post my pictures, so I will attend to it here instead. For those of you who aren't rewatching, hope you still enjoy the expressions of James and Tricia. Brilliant acting, great episode.

Laura Roslin is on her death bed and has decided, as a final wish, that the cylon/human foetus - later known as Hera - be aborted.

Gaius Baltar pleads against this with his usual poise:

Adama: "Put yourself together!"

Gaius makes his very grown up face:
Adama tells him he has to be president soon, and you can tell the penny's dropped:

HeadSix chooses this moment to reappear. (Someone had a theory about HeadSix appearing when Gaius feels insecure, vulnerable, or guilty. Her disappearance since Gina showed up might speak for that theory.)

"*I* have been away? Bitch, please."

Reaching your hand to HeadSix: not a good idea.

Gaius flashes a confident smile to show he's totally on top here, even if Six is gripping his hand. And walking him like a dog.

"What's wrong you, you jealous of me and Gina?"

"Jealous?! I'm not 'jealous' of you and Cheap-copy-who-doesn't-hold-a-candle-to-me. I'm here to tell you to protect our child! Which now is synonymous with the cylon/human foetus."

"Oh, that. Um, well, Roslin decided to kill it so..."

"So?"

Gaius: [the usual self-serving babble]

"Our baby's in danger. You'd better do something about it."

The extras are dropping their monocles! How shocking that Vice President Gaius Baltar should act nuts in the hallways.

"Um, boy this tie is itchy... Just adjusting it a bit..."

Feeling comfortable in the president's seat, Gaius?

Gaius gives a presidential "Hullo?"

Also: Billy gives Gaius president Roslin's letter, to be read in the event of her death. Dun dun!

And time to visit an old friend:

Gina isn't recognized as a cylon agent, because she has a ponytail and glasses. This even makes her laugh.

Awkward. Gaius, you idiot! Didn't you realize she wasn't ready to kiss you?

Gina asks him to join the terrorists. He's horrified she should have something other in mind than gratitude sex with him:

And so Baltar discovers the miraculous effects of cylon fetal blood. "I know you're not a man of science, Admiral, so please let me know if my chart is a little too complicated..."

Cottle: "I don't like what you're doing. They never used to do this in the good old days."

Gaius: "I don't care, I'm on mad scientist mode now. Whee! Experimentation!"

Roslin has a vision or memory of seeing Gaius and Six. Then she wakes up, all healed:

Laura: "T-t-rr-raitor.."

Gaius: "Savior? No, although I did just save your life, ahem. Just rest now. Shh."

Smug, and for once he kinda has a reason to be. But Six wants to talk about serious stuff.

"Do you love her?"

What better way to distract Six than reading the letter to President Baltar, even if Laura didn't technically end up dying...

"Dear President Baltar,

Congratulations! You're president now. Too bad you're such a selfish prick. Please learn to be a better person. No offense, just trying to help you here.

Love,

Laura R. xx"

"I just gave my nuclear warhead to the terrorist! How do you like them apples, Laura? I'm totally the bigger person now."

"A nuclear warhead?! Aww, Gaius, you shouldn't have!"

Sexism in Fandom

I don't want to go on and on about a cyber bully and thus give him more attention, but I came upon a thought that relates more to fandom in general. This is the second time a man has attacked me about my love for James Callis, like it's somehow ridiculous to be a fan and have a blog like this. Both times, there have been accusations of being obsessive, and my looks have been used against me in both cases. These two guys seem to be unrelated, are from different countries and probably don't know each other. But I don't think it's a coincidence that they are both men.

When I look back on my time in the Ace of Base fandom, there were always guys saying things like "I like the music, but I don't care about the members, that's just stupid". I'd say most male fans fell into this category. They may have had a thing for either or both of the female singers, but that mostly seemed to be sexual. Very few, if any, of them would identify with the guys or really want to be like them. Some of the girls, likewise, mainly enjoyed the music and not the members. But there were also lots of female fans with an admiration, adoration, or personal devotion for one or more of the band members.

I'd argue BSG fandom is similarly divided. There are fans who go for a certain actor, and there are those who are more into the phenomenon of the show. The latter type of fans seem to be predominantly male, the former female. And this is where it gets sexist: that men hold their type of fandom in higher esteem - possibly simply because it is mostly inhabited by men. Lots of women have this attitude too. We still have this lingering cultural idea that something mainly done by women must be frivolous. People talk derisively of the Bamber Bunnies. (I may have been guilty of that myself in the beginning.) And I guess someone very into James Callis is equally silly.

I wonder - is fandom a female phenomenon? Is it somehow related to how men and women are different, or are at least raised or treated differently? Perhaps this question is, in itself, sexist and doesn't really deserve to be raised. I raise it only because I've seen many examples of this sexism, sometimes aimed at myself, sometimes at others. The argument is simply "You're a silly fangirl, and also you're ugly." The stereotype is that if you have a crush on an actor, you're a bit silly and childish, like a giggling teenage girl. This might also mean that men are less likely to admit it if they feel strongly about a particular actor, role model-wise.

And as we all know, unattractive girls are useless and a joke all around, so it becomes this big cluster of pathetic: a GIRL coveting for an ACTOR - and she's UGLY! Like, she's totally out of his league! She'd never get him into bed in a million years! Bwahaha what a joke!

This also shows that for many men, if they like an actor, it's all about sex. You want someone hot to fantasize about. Sure, I find James very hot indeed, and I do fantasize about him - but that's not all I do. I look up to him as a person, a role model. I enjoy his performances on various shows. The fantasy of James is a fantasy about a great artist, someone I'd like to be. Not just someone I'd like to frak. And definitely not someone I ever expect to have sex with.

I'm not literally "in love with" James. I'm in love with my girlfriend and she's in love with me. That's based on knowing each other well, connecting on some deep level, becoming one. I couldn't have that with James because I've never even met him. If I did, and we connected on some level, that would be great but it still wouldn't be love. It could be, at the very most, a friendship. Whether James finds me attractive doesn't really matter. If he does, I'd be flattered, but if not, that's fine too. What I don't want from him - or anyone - is to be treated as, pardon my French, a nice piece of ass. Most smart women don't want that. We want respect.

This fantasy of James is something that, through my depression, has kept me going. It gives me something to look forward to (James' new projects/cons), something to aspire to (being more like him), something to do (the blog). I've made many friends through the fandom. Not to mention all the great conversations I've had with people about James and BSG, which have all expanded my thinking and view of the world. Is there something frivolous or silly about all of this? To me, there is not. Granted, I do joke about my James adoration, but it's just self-deprecating humor. In all seriousness, I hold fandom in very high esteem. It's an important thing in many people's lives.

Introspection: Why was I so quick to defend myself and say that I do not believe James loves me? Does it mean I, on some level, think others (maybe even James himself) would find me silly if I had a fantasy of mutual love? Did I feel "owned" on some level? Is it an admission of weakness, in our culture, that you dare love a celebrity? Because if I think in those terms, I need to change my thinking. There's nothing silly about this.

While on the topic, I feel like commenting on one more thing Mr Tyler said, and hopefully then put this thing behind us.

Now, I can’t speak for James Callis. Not in the slightest. But I’m guessing, like me, the only faces in the crowd he’ll remember for those few extra minutes more than everyone else are the ones he might want to have sex with (not you), the ones who give him free stuff (probably you) and the ones he’ll learn to avoid as their absolutely off their head mental. Now that last one, without a doubt thats you.

Do I believe this is true of James? No, I don't. This is an extremely cynical and sexist thing to say, and I just don't associate those things with James (though he probably has cynicism and sexism somewhere in his personality, as do we all). I want to point out that James remembers Janine and some others from the Unofficial Website. I don't know if they ever gave him free stuff, but he's been consistently appreciative of them for over ten years now. He also remembered Nicole based on meeting her once at a con 1,5 years prior, and I don't think Nicole brought him anything. I won't comment on the "want to have sex with" thing, because I don't know James' taste in women. I'll just suggest that perhaps to some men, it's not the first thing they care about?

So - even if you've had autograph sessions for whatever reason, James isn't necessarily like you. I'd be very careful with making those assumptions.

In the end, I don't know how James approaches us fans. He seems appreciative in all encounters I've heard of, and in my autograph as well. It could all be an act, but that doesn't really matter as long as he isn't transparently fake. If he respects and appreciates me, great (and admittedly awesome and validating). If not, it's his loss. He'd lose me as a fan, and I'd be sad, but that wouldn't make my dream a joke. And when I say "respect and appreciate", I do not mean "find me attractive". These are two completely separate things. I'm sure James knows that.

I say this to everyone whose fandom has been made fun of: There's nothing frivolous, childish, shameful or silly about having role models. I think everyone does, more or less. And on a very basic level, that's all that fandom is.

Re: "James Callis Doesn't Love You"

This is a response to the post James Callis Doesn't Love You, written by James Tyler of comawhite.co.uk. If you visit the link and see comments by "Deniselle", those are edited by James T. and not the way I had written them. The comments by Anna/Elina, who James T. imagines is the same person as me, have also been altered. He also removed all links I posted to this response, so that people couldn't see what I had written. Fair and square online conversation, in other words! I've never seen anything like this before. Attacking someone in a post, OK, but altering their comments to suit your own image of them? More than a bit disturbing. Talk about creating an echo chamber!

ETA: I will add this one note, since he has now edited his post to claim that he doesn't give a damn about me and he was just "setting a bait" and now I'm a fool for responding. Okay. That makes you look worse, though, not better. Because saying incredibly rude things about someone because you're mad at them shows a lack of maturity, but saying those things just to get a reaction shows an even greater lack of maturity. And yes, it does imply that you just sat there waiting for a reaction from me, so you could say when I react that you couldn't care less. You can't really argue that you set a bait and argue that you don't care about me or my reaction. You're kind of admitting that you're a mean SOB who deliberately wants to hurt people's feelings for your own amusement. This does not make you the bigger person.

This is one of those cases where I can tell the person went out of their way to offend me, without any knowledge of me personally. Basically I had a fight with their girlfriend, and he got upset, so he decided to make a post about me. So he just sat there thinking of possible offenses. "Let's see. There's nothing directly ridiculous about having a fan blog, and that's really the only thing I know about her. But I guess I can spin that into a ridiculous thing if I claim she thinks James Callis loves her too. How pathetic is that? Bwa ha! And let's look at her picture... wow, she's fat, isn't she! That's great material right there, fat girls go cry and eat a donut as soon as you tell them they're fat. Man, I'm good! I can't wait til she sees this! Now to post as many links on twitter as possible and just wait for her response."

So here's my response: Blah. You call that an offensive post? I've been called fat so many times I lost count, and really, I am fat, and that's not a bad thing to be. So that one's rather... duh. I'm also short, and in case you missed it, I do wear glasses. Like you correctly observed, I'm also female, so fan+girl=fangirl. And, since the most important quality of a woman is attractiveness, you did right to point out my objective lack thereof. I am greatly humbled and will now promptly remove this blog.

So, the unrelated accusation here is that James doesn't love me and I'm therefore stupid and pathetic to love him.

I like to be tongue-in-cheek in this blog, but I guess I have to start posting huge THIS IS SARCASM notes all over it, so people realize I don't genuinely think James loves me and the blog. On second thought: no, I won't. My blog, my rules. If you don't understand sarcasm, maybe you shouldn't read here.

Just this once, however, I will respond to this "critique" and state my case in all seriousness. I'm a fangirl, hear me roar. Ahem.

I've never met James and cannot speak for him (and no other blogger can either). The only thing I can say is: I love James Callis. Do I expect him to love me back? Absolutely not. It's not how fandom works. You love someone from a distance, and you're not expecting for it to be reciprocated. I don't know any - sane and adult - fan who truly honestly believes they will marry their idols. Especially if the idol in question is already married with children. And the fan in question is in a happy long-term relationship with a woman. I don't need James to fulfil my romantic and sexual needs. Not that there's anything wrong with a single fan dreaming of a relationship with a star, as long as they don't expect for it to actually happen.

Do I have fantasies of him being friends with me and kinda loving me back? Yes, like any fan, I have those fantasies. Do I hope he reads the blog, enjoys it, and comes back for more? Absolutely. Do I expect for these things to be a reality? No. For the sake of the fantasy, I do retain the hope that James reads and might express appreciation for the blog, should I meet him one day. The autograph gave me some of that validation. But I never took his "lots and lots of love always" thing to mean that he literally loves me. He always says "lots of love" to fans - in the panels, in the forums, in the autographs. It's his phrase. It probably doesn't mean very much, even if it is sweet. The reason I reacted so strongly this time is that he added to it. That, to me, implies that he meant some of it this time. Not that he loves me like he loves his wife, children, or friends. Not even like I love him. Just that he genuinely appreciated my fandom and/or the stuff I sent him. That's all I wanted.

Let's say James, despite his general sunny disposition and kind autograph, really doesn't give a flying frak about me. Which, really, is very possible. Let's say he even thinks I'm a little fanatic and tedious, if he's read the blog. Does this make me ridiculous and pathetic to dream about him? No. It's just how fandom works. He doesn't need to feel anything at all for me. I have every right to love him, adore him, idolize him, whatever I want. Because this is my fantasy and no one else's. I've chosen to make some of my fandom public in this blog, partially because other fans share similar feelings for him. As far as I can see, having a blog like this is perfectly fine, as long as it remains respectful to James and doesn't spread lies or false rumors.

I was going to write a longer discussion of fan identification and feeling like you know the person, but that will have to wait to another time. It's an interesting topic, really. Part of why I started this blog is to celebrate fandom in general (the other part is, of course, celebrating James Callis). If the blog pisses people off, then maybe I have succeeded in expressing something real and resonant.

I'm not well enough versed in psychology to know why fandom happens to some people and not to others, and what the magic is in loving someone you've never met and really don't know much about. I just know this: it is magical, and it's beautiful, and it's yours. No one can take it away from you. Daring to love someone is always worth it.

James Callis at FedCon 2009: The Panel, Part 1

Screenshots by me, from the DVD.

First of all, huge thanks to Artemis_Neith for a) suggesting that she get me the FedCon DVD, b) getting me the FedCon DVD as soon as it came out. Also huge thanks to those responsible for putting together this release. I have to advertise it a little before I go any further.

If you want to see this on a DVD, do order it. It's great. It has the panels of James, Richard Hatch, Edward James Olmos, Michael Hogan, and Mark Sheppard. James had to leave early because of Rubins, so he was not able to give more than one panel. But it's a great panel, a full hour, and lots of good questions/answers.

I watched this together with Elina, which was quite amusing. She made some remarks, which I think I'll actually sprinkle around this transcript to add another voice into it. I wasn't able to answer some of her difficult questions - "What does FedCon stand for?" was one. But she made my day noticing that, even though James is quite thin here, there's still a small round belly on him. (I won't go on about that, but it's adorable, it is.) She made my day even more by suggesting that he may have worn the tight teen-style shirt just so I could see the belly. Hee! Granted, it's far more likely that, like Elina also suggested, "he's having some sort of age crisis." But a girl can dream, right?

We all know James has a pretty severe dash problem with his writing. But there's also a verbal addiction he has: levels. I took the liberty of counting how many times he talks about various "levels" throughout this panel and the results are below. It's not pretty, my friends.

On some level: 17 (!!!)

On a basic level: 2

On a very basic level: 1

On another level: 1

As usual, lots of cute gestures and moving around amusingly. I wasn't sure what to make of this:

Itchy or flirty?

OK, let's get to the panel. He comes in, and I give the presenter props for referring to James as "some of the nicest people" and minus for saying Baltar is one of the nastiest characters.

Well, here I am. I was just saying yesterday when I came out on stage.. I didn't even see the balcony. I was just like this (peers with his hand) Christ, there's so many people. Then I looked up and thought oh my god, there's more people. (peers) There's certainly a lot of you here. Well, this is my first time in Bonn. I've been to Germany several times before, but not for a convention. I'm obviously not so jetlagged, I think it's an hour difference from London. And I actually start work on a film [Re-Uniting the Rubins] tomorrow morning at seven o'clock in London, so I'm afraid that after this.. session I've gotta dash. Get to work. Let's get my jacket off, excuse me. [He takes his jacket off, the audience woos] Who knew?

Hee, he said "dash"! :D Our dashing man with the dashes. Actually, I just realized I never use enough dashes in my transcripts. Surely in his head "let's get my jacket off, excuse me" is "let's get - my jacket off - excuse - me". But in the name of legibility, let's just write like ordinary people. We can't all have the James brain.

So, I think it's best if you guys wanna ask me some questions. And I'll try my best to answer them. Or just lie very effectively. Okay? I believe you guys know the score and you came down and you're hit by a spotlight.. hopefully it's only a spotlight.

I don't wanna bash anyone from BSG, but... OK, I'll admit it: I do want to bash Richard Hatch a little bit, because he's also on this DVD and he started his panel with a five-minute monologue. You know, people have come to ask you questions, so let them ask questions. I think James has the right idea here: just open the floor to the fans after establishing a conversational tone.

The first question begins with a wish that he doesn't take up half the panel to answer, because Edward James Olmos took half the panel answering this guy's question. (Oh dear, Eddie. I know he took half another panel answering some fan's question and others yelled at her for it. It can't be the same person because this fan is male. I don't want to bash Eddie, actually, because he seemed really cool and thoughtful in his panel. But still.)

Fair enough, but I think the shorter the question is, the better. And starting by "please don't be too wordy" may not be the best way. It's not directly offensive or anything though, and James doesn't seem bugged.

So the question: Does he have any idea what happened to the cult after the finale?

James: It's a very good question..

Fan: And my second question...

James: Oh that was only the first part? My god!

Fan: The other question is very short.

James: Oh, OK.

Hee! :D "My god!" could be a bit offensive if said in the wrong tone, but James just sounds amused and like he's gently ribbing the guy. (L)!

The second question is... something about Bridget Jones and all the flight attendants recognizing him from it.

OK, very quickly then. I have no idea what happened to the cult afterwards. There's some email that goes around: people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It would seem that the cult was in Gaius' life for a season and a reason, but not a lifetime. And I dunno where they went, they obviously felt the love between themselves. Maybe NBC Universal will make a spinoff series "Baltar's Lovecult". [laughter]

Fan: I'd love to see you there.

James: Me too, me too.

Fan [something about Paulla]

James: Indeed. And Jeanne. And all my holy ladies. So that was that. There was nothing in the script about their demise, they left, that was gone...

Why do all flight attendants recognize me from Bridget Jones' Diary? I'm sure there'll be some who are, obviously, like "Hey, I have no idea who that guy is, I dunno what they're talking about." My experience is that.. it would seme that ... being a flight attendant, perhaps you have to learn first aid and you must have watched BJD. That's the comparison.. That's certainly my feeling. How was it filming that film? First one was a lot of fun, a lot of people, including me, had a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Because I personally found Renee Zellweger terribly funny. And... yeah, cracked me up. I worked with Sally Phillips and Shirley Henderson. We were like a little threesome and we had a lot of fun.

We've heard him quote Shakespeare and many other well-known classics, but I'm glad to see he's not a big snob, since he can even quote a chain email. And it seems like he hasn't really thought of the cult at all after the finale. I'd love to see Baltar's Lovecult though, of course. I like that there was some closure to Gaius-the-prophet, but I didn't really care about any of the cult members, because they weren't really developed as characters. As always, I wish the cult had been expanded on more. And that the membership had been open for fans. Well, James did invite me to join his cult, so I'm happy. I'd rather belong to his cult than Gaius'.

I wonder what Renee Zellweger thought of James. I've never seen her refer to him, maybe I should use my superior googling skills to find something. He's always spoken highly of her, so she must have made quite an impression.

Also note that he can't even joke about all the flight attendants knowing him without adding that some probably, in fact, do not know him. Our humble guy.

Next question. The other characters have inspired various military people, but does Baltar inspire anyone? What kind of people might he inspire? James looks very amused at the idea. Or, what does he want the viewers to take with them?

It's another good question. The kind of people Baltar is inspiring. Maybe we don't really want to know who they are [laughter] or what he's exactly inspiring them to do. I don't know, uh.. start up their own religions or..? There's certainly several people on this planet who've done that already.

What does he give to an audience? On a basic level, I don't know. But I know what, as it were, I was trying to do. And on some level I was like, this guy is a real.. he's so morally bankrupt, he's made so many mistakes, he's actually in so much spiritual...distress. Sad, and lonely and guilty and ashamed. And... on a basic level when this goes out in America, what is he? He's a [American accent] scum-sucking sleazeball, essentially. The idea I had was.. if this.. scum-sucking sleazeball can occasionally do the right thing, then so can you. Everybody. Nobody ? too bad. That's my answer.

[Applause]

What is a scum-sucking sleazeball? Do I even want to know? I actually happened upon a conversation about the phrase sleazebag and apparently it has to do with feminine hygiene. I never knew that. The conversation was about whether that was a sexist thing to say, and there were people for and against the idea, as always. It was very confusing to a Finn. I've used to using "sleazebag" as just a synonym for "asshole" or something. Maybe asshole is actually safer, since we all have one. No sexism there.

It's funny because in some way, I do identify with Baltar, although I don't think we have a lot in common. Well, we're both short, and we wear glasses, but I'd almost say it ends there. He doesn't inspire me.

Although I may have said it before, James frequently does inspires me to be a better person. I keep asking myself "What would James Callis do?" (And, since I don't know him all that well, I can always fall back on "He'd eat some junk food" and indulge.)

Some of the other cast members had been to a previous FedCon and asked who on the show they'd like to play. They'd all said Baltar. Who else would James like to play?

Well, I joked in a former podcast that I'd like to play Six... So that I could then play WITH myself, that'd be fantastic. [laughter] The only thing better than being me would be acting... That's a joke. Um.. yeah, I really.. the part was amazing. It really was the most incredible part. Cos he was, on some level, so many different things to so many people, and also to himself. And this allowed me and the writers and the directors.. I think uh.. an extraordinary liberty. He was never just one kind of guy or one kind of Gaius. There's lots of different.. personalities vying for superiority within his own mind. Like on a very basic level he could be funny, and he could be sad, or he could be perverse or he could be honest. He could be totally like.. he goes over his head or doesn't care. And then he can be very compassionate. He could run thru the litmus of emotions and that was a real gift to be able to do.

It's very true about Gaius, and it's a beautiful thing to say and in case you missed it, he did not answer the question at all. I work at a phone survey job and this reminded me of that. You'll ask someone a question and they answer with something only slightly related that gives you nothing to work with. Like "how often do you visit this particular supermarket?" and the answer is, "You know, I just went there today, and then I realized on the way home I forgot to buy soap, so I had to go right back! Isn't that funny." It isn't really, and it has nothing to do with what I asked, but thanks for telling me.

Now I digressed worse than James, but my point is that he's never answered this question seriously. That might mean he can't imagine playing anyone else on the show, because he identifies so much with Baltar. Or that he doesn't think as much of the other characters on the show (at least the male characters whom he could conceivably play). Also, he still always seems amused at the guy-Gaius pun.

Also observe his facial expressions when he describes Gaius' many emotions:

Sad.

Perverse.

Honest.

Doesn't care.

Compassionate.

It's like he goes through those emotions while answering the question. Beautiful.

The next fan is kind of apologetic about their question, but it's amusing, so here's a partial transcript of that.

Fan: I have a question but I have to be very diplomatic, because if I word it wrong, the crowd here might just lynch me. Um, Tricia Helfer is a beautiful, tall woman.

James: ...Yes.

Fan: And you're not.

James: [amused] No. [laughter] And I see you're all wearing glasses. Congratulations.

[So the question is if they meant to cast such height-wise unmatched actors or just went with what they had.]

James: Do you know, it's a good question.

Fan: [anxiously] Please don't hate me!

James: [shakes his head as if to reassure her: no, I don't hate you]

We were cast together, in fact. They weren't looking for A Baltar or A Six, they were looking for Baltar AND Six. I think that we uh.. and they saw something that I suppose we didn't see at the time. We complement each other, there's a natural chemistry. Also on this level, she's supposed to be a killer robot. So the joke in the relationship was that this very feminine creature had some very masculine attributes. And myself, as supposedly the male in the scenario had some very feminine attributes. There was always twisting on this dime?.

Normally it's the big burly guy who saves the damsel in distress. This was always the other way around. It was the strong cylon saving a waiflike Gaius. And obviously, Tricia's not that tall, we had to stand her on a table so she'd look so much taller than me. [makes a hilarious self-effacing face] Thanks very much.

[applause]

He doesn't look at all offended by the question. I'm not offended by it, as a fan, although I must say it sounds more offensive with the apologizing, as if his shortness is a terrible flaw that must be approached carefully. Most of the fans find it endearing. It's amusing, because the fan is so anxious about her question and seems to worry that James will be mad or something. James looks very kind listening to her. (L)!

I kinda admire that James was willing to play such an unmasculine role. I won't pretend to understand the male ego and how it all works, but it seems like playing a role where you have to be weak in front of women is a problem to some guys. James is probably pretty comfortable with his feminine side if he can play such a part. I also love that he calls Gaius "waiflike". I had to check if I had the right idea of waif - I was thinking "child" or possibly "fairy". It seems to be an orphaned or abandoned child. Awww, pirpana! (<-old Finnish word for small child)

It's invisible to the camera, but I know this because the con reports had it: someone from the other side of the room has a question, and they have to rush the microphone there. James: "Run. Forrest." Hee! I hated Forrest Gump, which I always feel the need to mention. But it's a really cute reference. A pretty old reference, really - he has this fast wit that works in situations like that.

He gave Lucy "the full monty" - hee! - and does he do this often or..?

Oh dear. At home, more times than you'd care to know.

On set, we were actually we were joking, because we'd been talking about watching King Kong and how incredible the actors' performances are, given that obviously they weren't acting with a real King Kong. And Lucy was joking about essentially it's most o fthe time when you're doing a green screen or graphics, there is like a microphone stand with a tennis ball on the top of it with a cross of it for your eyeline. I thought that they'd do that, that's what we're gonna do.

But when I came out naked in that scene, Lucy almost fell over. I said you can either look at me, or you can look at a microphone with a tennis ball on the end. Which would be better? One of the curious moments that Lucy was speechless. The joke about that is that.. yeah, it's a very liberating thing getting naked in front of a lot of people who aren't. And all I remember is the sound guy who was so terrified that he might see me and then ruin the rest of his life [laughter], he actually walked head first to a wall cos he was holding the boom, kind of [stands up and shows] whack! Into a wall. That was kind of amusing."

I remember people being really confused about this microphone/tennis ball reference. It makes sense in context - James is probably quoting Lucy with "I thought that's what we're gonna do". Lucy came into the room expecting a microphone with a tennis ball on it, and instead she saw a completely naked and well-endowed James Callis, and that was enough to throw even Lucy Lawless off balance. Hee!

Yes, I did get smutty thoughts from "at home...", but let's not go there. I wonder if Elina and I discussed that - I can't remember anymore. We talk smutty so much that it all blends in together.

Pretending to be the boom guy. I know the second picture has motion-blur but I had to add it because it's so full of James-like boyish energy. "Whee!!"

Did he ever want to play Baltar differently than what was scripted? James looks like he has to think hard about this question. [Um, Baltar signing the death warrant?? I can't believe he doesn't even mention it here.]

Umm.. no, not particularly. But I always um.. I think that the whole show, Battlestar, really did something to the genre of science fiction. And one of the.. if it's fair to say, we tried to make everyone as three-dimensional as possible. So occasionally I would feel that I was.. some of the scenarios or some of the things I was placed in.. were tending to lose me a dimension. And I wasn't prepared ... I wasn't prepared to live it out that way.

We all... Essentially I don't believe any one of us was acting when we were on the show. We were all living through those characters. Anything that didn't quite come up to your expectation had to change slightly so it could be accommodated. I never did anything differently from the way it was scripted necessarily... but I suppose.. like if there was one scene where it's just like he's supposed to be a bit mean and he doesn't care, I'd know myself that there'd be something, even if it was a look in the eye, where I'd have to show that he doesn't know. Bring in some other human equation. If that answers your question.

But why doesn't he bring up the times he fought against the writers? The gun to his head while signing the death warrant? I'm sure there were other examples but I can't think of them offhand. Maybe he couldn't think of any either, because he seems a little apologetic about this answer.

How much did they improvise while shooting BSG?

You can only improvise so much. It's not like you'd improvise scenes. Everything you're improvising around is based on the lines of the scene in the script. And everybody on our show imporoivsed. And that's not just the actors. That's the writers, directors, producers.. there was a real synergy whereby ppl trusted each other enough to go with it, to go with something in the moment. And there was really never a time where it was like "No you can't do that! We must not veer off this path!" Because we did not necessarily know what that path was until we created it.

So it's not like uh.. I don't know if you have programmes here like Give Us a Clue, where actors are just given a line and they have to improvise a whole play, it was never like this. It was more like ad libbing than improvising. Which is like adding some things or taking some things away that you think could suit the personality you portray. Ok?

Ah, I didn't realize there was a difference between "ad libbing" and "improvising". I thought they were synonymous. Professor James teaching me new stuff again.

In terms of plot cohesiveness and the finale, I do think it's a shame that they didn't know where they were going. But it can also be a good thing, because the actors were able to shape it a bit. Maye it's more exciting to work on a story that's about to unfold before your eyes than something set in stone before production begins, i.e. Babylon 5 and the like. I don't know. I'm certainly glad they got to ad lib and change things based on what they felt was right for the character.

I loved this next question, but I might want to explain the context for those who haven't watched as much BSG. In the season 3 episode Taking a Break From All Your Worries, James has a scene with Alessandro Juliani (Felix Gaeta). Baltar whispers something in Gaeta's ear, which makes Gaeta stab him with a pen. Later, in the web series Face of the Enemy, they show the scene again and this time we hear what Baltar whispered. The question is: did they redub the scene, or was it always planned that way?

The whispering in the ear really as Alessandro's ... it came from Alessandro. This is actually almost to answer the last gentleman's question. This was something that was improvised, it wasn't in the script.

But Alessandro said, "If I'm gonna stab this guy thru the neck with a pen. It's like, I've been so.. I've gone there at the right time, I'm talking the shit with him about the plans and how they might save his life and then suddenly I just.. it's not enough. I want something, I want him to drive me crazy, I want him to say something, DO something to me, that would make me get a pen and stab him thru the neck." So I was like, isn't that great? So that's where that came from. And at the time, we had no idea what it was, or the provocative nature of what it was that I was saying. But whatever it was, it was supposed to.. like a red rag to a bull, that would make him go crazy. So yeah, that was kind of an afterthought that I think was very cleverly worked in to the episodes.

I think so too. And I think it was a good idea to have an intriguing moment like that between the two men, who had surely experienced things together on New Caprica. (That sounds a bit dirty, but I don't necessarily mean sexual things.) Gaeta had seen who Baltar truly is, but Baltar had also seen who Gaeta truly is, even if it might be easy to forget that. Gaeta was disillusioned by Baltar, but maybe it also works the other way around. At any rate, there are always secrets you can tap into when you know someone that well. It's kind of a moment where Baltar shows his intellect, he knows how to play people in some way, even if he can be so socially bumbling too.

It speaks volumes about Alessandro that he wanted that in. He seems to have thought of his character as much as James thought of Baltar, and wanted to really have Gaeta react to something rather than just stab him for no reason.

Did he ever think he'd be the fifth cylon?

I.. no, I knew it wasn't me. Couldn't be me. Umm... that... cos I was too human on some level, I think that would have been.. not a good turning point. But I had no idea who it was, at all. But when I found out I was like.. you are kidding! You are kidding me. What? Where does that come from? How does that work? OK, fine, as long as it's not me, I don't care. It's funny because all those other final cylons Michael Hogan as Colonel Tigh, and Aaron as the Chief.. especially these two are so.. these are the people who led the resistance back on New Caprica, you should have seen their faces when it was like: Hey guys, you're on the wrong team! [points] [laughter] Yeah, not Gaius, you! Oh dear.. so that was good.

Hee! I can imagine him ribbing Aaron about this. Tigh and the Chief were good choices for cylons, because they were so central and so anti-cylon at some point. But my regret is that they didn't explore the "old Earth" cylon community storyline much further than that one episode.

Well, does he think it's a good choice, who the fifth cylon is?

Uh... Do you know, it is a good choice. And not a lot we can do to change it right now. [laughter]

Tell us a bit about the film you're going to shoot (Re-Uniting the Rubins, although the name is never mentioned here).

It's a comedy, a kind of romantic comedy although nobody falls in love. It's about a family that..uh, had a tragedy happen to them back in the day and then.. because of this thing, in years apart, can't really look each other in the eye or the face. And due to circumstances, they all come back together again. It's gonna be exciting and fun and also, you know, not in space. Actually set in London, so that's kind of cool.

That sounds really interesting. And I'm confused that some fans reported that he could not tell them more than that it's a family comedy. I mean, he says quite a bit about the basic theme of the movie here. He just doesn't go into specifics like what happened to the family. He sounds excited about it, and I'm really hopeful and optimistic about this project, I really am.

Would he have liked to be the final cylon?

Not really, to be honest, no. That would have been very confusing for me.. already I was pretty confused if you've seen the show.

I didn't need anything else to make me more confused. That's... [??]

All of the actors said the same thing: nobody wanted to be the final cylon. It would have ruined Adama and Roslin and Baltar and so forth. I'm not really sure. I think it would have added depth to a character in a way, if they had spent the rest of the season trying to find their cylon selves. With Baltar, however, it might have been dull, given that he's spent most of the show interacting with cylons and wondering if he is one. He's already gone thru a part of that crisis. So maybe that wouldn't have been a way to find something new about Baltar.

Silence for a moment. James jokes: "Talk amonst yourselves, I don't mind. Oh hello."

The next fan has a very strong accent and at first I don't understand her (and James looks like he's focusing really hard too, listening to her). But I think the question is basically: does Gaius love Caprica-Six?

It's a really good question and I think uh.. there's a simple answer. I'm sorry to blow it for those who haven't seen it. Yes, this man is in love. And he's been in love with the same person for years and years. One person on his mind, one .. everybody reminds him of this one person. He's so vain nad he's so narcissistic, he can't see it. He's in denial. It takes so much to get his head bumped into this reality of: yeah, there's one person, one person who is his angel, his guardian. I think yes, I don't necessarily understand it myself, but I think that is the case. Does that answer your question?

Awwww! (L) I love that they got back to Gaius and Caprica in the end. I don't usually get that excited about couples on TV, but I just had to ship Gaius/CapricaSix, because honestly, they're so fucked up and so funny, so wrong on so many levels, yet somehow so... right? It's hard to say what I love about them. Probably it falls in the category of "not cliché". I thought there was something a bit expected about Kara/Lee and Adama/Roslin, and Gaius/Six was just a different kind of couple. (As was Helo/Athena, actually.)

I think both Gaius and Six were kind of deluded for a while, wrapped up in their own concerns and even other relationships (Six with Tigh and Gaius with.. well, everyone). But it's kind of beautiful and poetic they found back to each other. I just wish it had happened a little sooner in season 4.

A follow-up question to the evil theme earlier: he said Gaius is morally bankrupt, is there a difference between that and evil?

Of course, there's a huge difference. No, I think... I find it very .. I think that evil on some level.. I don't really understand what that is necessarily, but I think one of the things about it is: it comes with malice, it comes with premeditation. That's not Gaius Baltar at all. He is somebody who winds up in something thru circumstance. lots to do with his own ego, but that doesn't make somebody evil. Evil is when you have a mind to it.

There's a great line in the Shakespeare play, I think it's Much Ado About Nothing. And there is this character called Don John, the Bastard Brother. Very subtle, these plays in Shakespeare's time. And there's this gathering, of all these people being happy and laughing, whatever. He turns, his line is: [sinister voice] "I would the cook were of my mind." In the sense of you know, when they go to dinner, if I was the cook, I'd poison them all. That's evil, that's mean. But I don't think being morally bankrupt is necessarily as evil.

Yay for random Shakespeare references! Professor James! :D I have read some Shakespeare, because I had to, and I didn't really get much of it and still don't. I couldn't quote it offhand besides something really famous like "To be or not to be". Hmm. "I know I'm Thane of Glamis, but what of Cawdor?" or was it Clamis? Another one that jumps out of my mind: "He's killed me, mother!" because duh, if you were dead, how are you able to say that? Those are both from Macbeth, I think. James' ability to just quote Shakespeare like that is rather admirable and creepy at the same time. But maybe he's actually played some of those roles.

On topic: I think he should have explained what he meant by "morally bankrupt". (Or maybe, because he is James, he thinks quoting Shakespeare will explain everything.) I think from his earlier quote that he meant Gaius has already done so many bad things that he's sort of worn out by guilt and can't take any more. But the fan probably took it to mean that he doesn't have any morals, he's all out of it. This is the problem with a panel like this, when you touch upon deep concepts and don't really have a chance to keep up with who says and means what. In that sense, a moderated panel might be better because the fans are probably too nervous to ask him to elaborate.

The next question is about the finale and the fan is worried about spoiling. James goes: "Everybody who hasn't seen it, go like..." and puts his fingers in his ears, with this mischievious grin. (L)!

Anyhow, Lee tells Gaius he's done nothing but selfish things.

Fan: "I tend to agree..."

James: "Right. I'm out of here."

Then Gaius has a change of heart by stepping onto the side of the heroes and fighting with Galactica. "What's your approach on that change of heart?"

As James starts to answer, his microphone goes out completely. There's some laughter. He tries to just start talking. "You wanna use a microphone?" the fan says. I think James says, "You can't hear me?", because she says into her microphone: "I can but the rest can't." I envy this fan because she talks really calmly and naturally to James. I wish I could, if I ever meet him.

James walks closer to the edge of the stage and shouts: HI! so that everyone hears. And then starts to fiddle with his microphone bottom. Hee! He looks so serious and puzzled, as if he can fix it by just pressing some button. Actually, I think I can read his lips: "If I press this button.. hello?" But it doesn't help. Someone brings him another, and then that microphone doesn't work either and the sound guy at the top of the room is gestured. It's a cute little interlude. Wasn't there something like this in the Dragon*Con panels in 2008? Why does it always happen to James?

"Hmm. What do do..."

Trying to fix the microphone...

Looks up at the sound guy.

[loud voice] Hallo? [sound comes back] Hello hello hello... ah, here we are. [laughter, applause] Right. [lowers voice, amused at himself] OK, now I don't have to scream.

I don't think Gaius Baltar needs Lee Adama to tell him the kind of man he is. And when we were filming that scene, the director Michael Rymer was like, 'You go back to the point where... he'd have a knife up against his throat in a stall, he'd more concerned that the goon was gonna smash in Paulla's brains. And given the choice of pleading for his life, he pleaded for a child's...'

This part was a bit confusing at first. He's referring to He That Believeth in Me, i.e. season 4 episode 1, where Paulla and himself are attacked by two guys who hate Gaius for, well, everything he's done as a president. I'm not sure if I read the scene in the same way - was he morried for Paulla than for himself?

For me, the number one example of selflessness is Gina and his compassion for her. But then that might be a problematic one, since he did have trouble telling her from Caprica/HeadSix, and he did expect to get sex from her soon after. And then he gave her the nuclear warhead. Either way, that was the first time I saw him worry about someone else's ass than his own (in a non-sexual way). But I guess we're thinking of more recent season four things.

Yeah, he has done some things that are not.. what's the word? Totally selfish. I think it's a real.. it's about your perspective. It's about how close you are to that thing. And when Lee says all of those things to Baltar, there is a.. Yeah, the broad brush strokes are absolutely true. There's little bits in between that I think Lee has missed. That Lee has never seen, so why would he ever.. and the wonderful line that Baltar says is actually, "Yeah, I wouldn't trust me either." The interesting thing about that is that the whole scene was filmed with number 6 in the scene. She was right over Lee Adama saying, "Yeah, he's gonna die so I wouldn't worry about what he's gonna say." So if it looks like I'm going like this [looks around], it's because we did shoot it in a slightly different way.

And the ending of his man? He has nothing else, he knew the cult was a sham from the moment that he stepped into it. He just needed the right kind of pressure to leave it, and on some level, um... on some level, ever since he tried to kill himself, this is not a man who's necessarily afraid of death. Just afraid of doing the wrong thing.

They cut so much of HeadSix from season 4.5, and I still don't get why. It changes the tone of the entire scene when you see the deleteds and there's an extended bit with HeadSix.

Elina: "It's true, the other characters haven't seen him do those things. You forget that as a viewer."

It is like that and it's odd. Us viewers are sort of omniscient and we know Baltar has done these things, but did anyone even see him pray for the sick boy? Lee certainly wouldn't see anything other than "oo, Gaius Baltar the egomaniac is leading his own cult! How surprising." I could see why he thinks Baltar is completely selfish and I'm glad James pointed this out, because that scene did bother me for that very reason.

American TV seems to always have villains who are either German or British (James nods seriously: oh yes). Is Gaius bad or just misled?

There's lots of ways of playing any character. Except that very few characters have the you know, the blood of the whole world on their shoulders. So if on any level Gaius Baltar did know what he was doing, he would be a monster. Monstrous. That wasn't sombeody I was interested in playing. But I remember being in school and being in trouble, I said I'd be in one place and really I was in another place.. then you're gonna be found out by the head teacher. I remember a few years at school, just constantly like [looks around anxiously] where did I say I was going to be? Who am I going to tell.. that kind of panic.

LOL! :D I wonder what kind of little scoundrel he was at school age. You might expect that he was a straight A student and utter nerd, but apparently not so. Maybe his personality is so vibrant that school felt boring and he had to think of stuff to get in trouble with. Actually, my thesis supervisor said that he hated school and was always getting into trouble. The headmaster developed a way of knowing in beforehand when he was going to make a wisecrack. "Robertson, my office! Now!" And he became a literature professor.

(Do they call it "head teacher" and not "headmaster" in the UK?)

And.. fear, living in fear, is very much on some level living in the future. If you live in the moment, in the now, you can't really be afraid. But if you're constantly thinking abou tthe thing that might happen to you, you're gonna be very afraid. And I think I chose to work off those dynamics which in turn makes him slightly more sympathetic. Not necessarily that he is.

Fear is living in the future? Hmm. That's a really profound thought. I think he is sympathetic, mostly. To me anyway.

Another question: did he have any trouble at home because of his womanizing role?

No, my wife thinks... you know, she keeps on saying, "Cos it's on television James, that's why they're supposed to find you attractive. It's on television, you see? TV, it's not real, James." [laughter, applause]

I always try to decipher his looks when he talks about this stuff - is he genuinely so humble about his talent and his looks or is he just feigning it? He always looks genuine, and some of the fan compliments seem to make him almost uncomfortable. But then he is an actor.

Elina: "I wonder if his wife has to take him down a notch. Like he's been reading your blog too much so he's big-headed: oh I'm so gorgeous, everybody wants me."

Me: "Bwah!"

I wish! Well, I don't wish he were big-headed, actually. Maybe it's best if he doesn't read oh what am I saying, I totally wish he reads every post. Multiple times. And prints them and puts them in a little binder and draws hearts around his favorite bits and... Eh, I mean... next question.

It's apparently someone who's already asked one before, as James notes, "Hi. You moved. Flash!" and makes a "flash" noise. The question is if they shot the entire Opera House sequence at once, since we kept seeing more flashes of it later on. James' answer: "Yes. Very simple." That is all, and I guess the person isn't interested in the details of the shooting because they don't ask anything more. It would have been nice to hear a bit more about the sequence, which was both beautiful and intriguing. Gotta keep this in the file "Future questions for James", if I ever get a chance to interview him (fat chance) or send more questions through con-goers (fairly likely).

More in part 2!

2009 - A Year in James

Since I'm having a head cold again, I'd best start off the decade with a very redundant "last year roundup" post. It should be fluffy enough that I can write it in the middle of a major snot invasion. This will be mostly a link dump, nothing new, but it's nice to have it all in one place.

So, what happened with James in 2009?

Career:

In April, James received a Jules Verne Award in Paris, along with co-stars Mary McDonnell and Jamie Bamber. A proud moment for him and the fans, and quite a bit of media buzz around the event.

He appeared on American crime show Numb3rs as a terrifying cult leader, Mason Duryea. First time we hear him with a Southern accent! It was pretty awesome and gave him a lot of visibility. Duryea is definitely more of a villain than Gaius ever was, even if some people grumbled about him being typecast as a cult leader (note that Gaius only became that at the very end, it's not really his essence or anything).

He also appeared as Merlin on Syfy's Merlin and the Book of Beasts. First time we hear him with a Welsh accent. Um, it wasn't great. But not as bad as some say, either. Um... I have trouble saying much...I'll write more about it later.

During the spring/summer, he also shot a British film called Re-Uniting the Rubins, a Jewish family comedy that sounds pretty promising. Some info and pictures posted by the location manager in this blog. He was quite impressed with James' performance, and I'm looking forward to this. Co-stars include Rhona Mitra and Timothy Spall.

James also voiced a documentary on BBC called The Podfather, about Robert Noyce who invented the silicon chip. I was able to find it online, and it was quite interesting. James keeps his voice pretty neutral for the most part, but there were a couple of cute moments where you can hear him sound extra solemn or soft.

Not much more info on his career at the moment. He visited the US several times over the year, so maybe there was some job thing going on he has yet to tell us about? He's being very secretive about future plans, so let's hope no news is good news.

Cons:

(These are just links to my ultimate con posts, which contain links to the con reports by others)

MegaCon in Orlando, Florida

FedCon in Bonn, Germany - still coming up: a full transcript of the panel from DVD!

Comic Con in San Diego, USA

An Evening With James Callis in Bonn, Germany - an all James con!

Extra: panel transcript here, here and here!

Mission Starfury: The Cylon Attack in London, England

2009 Interviews:

Discussing 4.5 episodes with Spacecast (audio)

Discussing the end with USA Weekend Who's News Blog (article)

More about the end with SFX (article)

And even more about the end at IGN (article)

An in-depth look at his Numb3rs character at IGN (article)

A brief chat at/about Comic-Con with Dewdcast (video)

Was HeadBaltar really an angel? James tells io9: "How should I know?" (video)

Two video interviews during the Jules Verne thing in France:

Canal+

SciFi France

And the actual Jules Verne Q&A:

3xcusemyfrench

Other events:

On his 38th birthday, James announced the birth of his third child, a daughter named Anika, born in May. The message is here at the Unofficial website. Awww, Anika! I.. (L) Sorry, I'm still all gushy.

All in all, James left four messages to the fans at the Unofficial website, all viewable here. The website celebrated its 10th anniversary this year, and James has been reading and writing to the fans since the very beginning. Much gratitude to him and, of course, Janine and Rikkie who run the site!

Looks-wise: He started the year with short hair, then grew it long, and then cut it again. But before the year ended, it had already grown out a little. Our hirsute man! (Babbles about his possible, but barely visible weight changes cut for length.)

Some of the cutest pictures taken in 2009:

The TV Guide Photo shoot!
Evening With James Callis!

Starfury!

and of course:
James holding a baby!! Squee!

In fandom:

Kixxa started her blog All Things James Callis, with lots of lovely photos of James' projects over the years. Check it out if you haven't already!

The end of BSG brought all kinds of feelings to the surface, even if James guaranteed that we can't be disappointed. James, you hopeless optimist! I was quite fulfilled and happy with the ending myself, with some rather minor complaints. Here's my rundown of the Baltar-related bits of the finale. I never wrote a long post about all of mine nitpicks, because there were so many others saying the same things, and because really, I wanted to feel happy and grateful with so much good going on.

For those unhappy with the finale, Ron D. Moore answered fan concerns at Syfy, here.

After the end of BSG, the Syfy Forums kind of died. I haven't really been around and it seems like no one else has been either... Um, if you're interested in talking about James, there's a lot of fun stuff going on on Twitter. And LiveJournal. Add me, I'm BaltarStar/Deniselleb. And not to forget the first James Callis forum where James himself sometimes posts, here!

My fan year:

So, let's sum it up.

-James wrote me the Best. Autograph. Ever. (L) (L) (L)!!! Let the record show that James Callis loves me a lot, always. He only loves the rest of you sometimes.

-I wrote him something silly and something personal and dared send it. So now he knows I exist. Eeeee!

-He answered my question about HeadBaltar. And seemed all gleeful about the question. (L)!

Also: he loves donuts, to my apparently unending glee and satisfaction. Need I link to that?

It's been a surprisingly awesome year. Only one disappointment that I retconned anyway, and all kinds of happy discoveries - he loves names? He loves junk food? He loves books? He loves Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I'm not saying James and I are exactly alike or anything, but I mean, come on. He's done so much more this year than I expected, what with the con appearances and Jules Verne and everything. I feel like I can hardly keep up with the reports and cute pictures. Good times! :)

My heart pounded in March when kixxa told me James is on Twitter, and then it turned out he wasn't. I felt a bit sad that he had added so many followers without adding any of the known fans. Yet I was also sad to hear it wasn't him, because I think I would have enjoyed his tweets. Something to consider for the future, James?

And the autograph... I still can't get over the fact that it sounds genuinely warm and just.. genuine. It's more than I expected. It's a slippery slope between appreciating this stuff and going, "I'm his favorite nr 1 fan and we'll have 100 hairy babies soon XD XD XD", so I'll try to not make too much out of it. But... it just means a lot to me. Oh James. *sniffle*

I'm still a bit disappointed I wasn't able to actually go to the con, but I doubt James would have appreciated me going broke over him. Sacrifices like this are unnecessary; I will get to meet him one day. I hope.

I had a pretty rough year emotionally, but so far, so good. I'm still here and doing much better than this time last year. James has been a real blessing for me with the depression - something to fantasize about, someone to look up to, a reason to keep living even. My blog is needed. Who else would bring you the latest news, found with my ultimate googling skills? Who would detect the faintest beginning of a donut gut where others only see a billowy shirt?

Despite the depression, I did manage to write (checks) 94 posts. That's pretty good. With many other things in my life on hold, it makes me happy that I've been able to work on this blog still. It gives me strength and joy, and I'm so glad you readers have been hanging in there with me. (10,882 visits and counting!)

So here's to another great year of James. May the spirit of Jamus shine upon us! Jamen.