Sexism in Fandom

I don't want to go on and on about a cyber bully and thus give him more attention, but I came upon a thought that relates more to fandom in general. This is the second time a man has attacked me about my love for James Callis, like it's somehow ridiculous to be a fan and have a blog like this. Both times, there have been accusations of being obsessive, and my looks have been used against me in both cases. These two guys seem to be unrelated, are from different countries and probably don't know each other. But I don't think it's a coincidence that they are both men.

When I look back on my time in the Ace of Base fandom, there were always guys saying things like "I like the music, but I don't care about the members, that's just stupid". I'd say most male fans fell into this category. They may have had a thing for either or both of the female singers, but that mostly seemed to be sexual. Very few, if any, of them would identify with the guys or really want to be like them. Some of the girls, likewise, mainly enjoyed the music and not the members. But there were also lots of female fans with an admiration, adoration, or personal devotion for one or more of the band members.

I'd argue BSG fandom is similarly divided. There are fans who go for a certain actor, and there are those who are more into the phenomenon of the show. The latter type of fans seem to be predominantly male, the former female. And this is where it gets sexist: that men hold their type of fandom in higher esteem - possibly simply because it is mostly inhabited by men. Lots of women have this attitude too. We still have this lingering cultural idea that something mainly done by women must be frivolous. People talk derisively of the Bamber Bunnies. (I may have been guilty of that myself in the beginning.) And I guess someone very into James Callis is equally silly.

I wonder - is fandom a female phenomenon? Is it somehow related to how men and women are different, or are at least raised or treated differently? Perhaps this question is, in itself, sexist and doesn't really deserve to be raised. I raise it only because I've seen many examples of this sexism, sometimes aimed at myself, sometimes at others. The argument is simply "You're a silly fangirl, and also you're ugly." The stereotype is that if you have a crush on an actor, you're a bit silly and childish, like a giggling teenage girl. This might also mean that men are less likely to admit it if they feel strongly about a particular actor, role model-wise.

And as we all know, unattractive girls are useless and a joke all around, so it becomes this big cluster of pathetic: a GIRL coveting for an ACTOR - and she's UGLY! Like, she's totally out of his league! She'd never get him into bed in a million years! Bwahaha what a joke!

This also shows that for many men, if they like an actor, it's all about sex. You want someone hot to fantasize about. Sure, I find James very hot indeed, and I do fantasize about him - but that's not all I do. I look up to him as a person, a role model. I enjoy his performances on various shows. The fantasy of James is a fantasy about a great artist, someone I'd like to be. Not just someone I'd like to frak. And definitely not someone I ever expect to have sex with.

I'm not literally "in love with" James. I'm in love with my girlfriend and she's in love with me. That's based on knowing each other well, connecting on some deep level, becoming one. I couldn't have that with James because I've never even met him. If I did, and we connected on some level, that would be great but it still wouldn't be love. It could be, at the very most, a friendship. Whether James finds me attractive doesn't really matter. If he does, I'd be flattered, but if not, that's fine too. What I don't want from him - or anyone - is to be treated as, pardon my French, a nice piece of ass. Most smart women don't want that. We want respect.

This fantasy of James is something that, through my depression, has kept me going. It gives me something to look forward to (James' new projects/cons), something to aspire to (being more like him), something to do (the blog). I've made many friends through the fandom. Not to mention all the great conversations I've had with people about James and BSG, which have all expanded my thinking and view of the world. Is there something frivolous or silly about all of this? To me, there is not. Granted, I do joke about my James adoration, but it's just self-deprecating humor. In all seriousness, I hold fandom in very high esteem. It's an important thing in many people's lives.

Introspection: Why was I so quick to defend myself and say that I do not believe James loves me? Does it mean I, on some level, think others (maybe even James himself) would find me silly if I had a fantasy of mutual love? Did I feel "owned" on some level? Is it an admission of weakness, in our culture, that you dare love a celebrity? Because if I think in those terms, I need to change my thinking. There's nothing silly about this.

While on the topic, I feel like commenting on one more thing Mr Tyler said, and hopefully then put this thing behind us.

Now, I can’t speak for James Callis. Not in the slightest. But I’m guessing, like me, the only faces in the crowd he’ll remember for those few extra minutes more than everyone else are the ones he might want to have sex with (not you), the ones who give him free stuff (probably you) and the ones he’ll learn to avoid as their absolutely off their head mental. Now that last one, without a doubt thats you.

Do I believe this is true of James? No, I don't. This is an extremely cynical and sexist thing to say, and I just don't associate those things with James (though he probably has cynicism and sexism somewhere in his personality, as do we all). I want to point out that James remembers Janine and some others from the Unofficial Website. I don't know if they ever gave him free stuff, but he's been consistently appreciative of them for over ten years now. He also remembered Nicole based on meeting her once at a con 1,5 years prior, and I don't think Nicole brought him anything. I won't comment on the "want to have sex with" thing, because I don't know James' taste in women. I'll just suggest that perhaps to some men, it's not the first thing they care about?

So - even if you've had autograph sessions for whatever reason, James isn't necessarily like you. I'd be very careful with making those assumptions.

In the end, I don't know how James approaches us fans. He seems appreciative in all encounters I've heard of, and in my autograph as well. It could all be an act, but that doesn't really matter as long as he isn't transparently fake. If he respects and appreciates me, great (and admittedly awesome and validating). If not, it's his loss. He'd lose me as a fan, and I'd be sad, but that wouldn't make my dream a joke. And when I say "respect and appreciate", I do not mean "find me attractive". These are two completely separate things. I'm sure James knows that.

I say this to everyone whose fandom has been made fun of: There's nothing frivolous, childish, shameful or silly about having role models. I think everyone does, more or less. And on a very basic level, that's all that fandom is.

Re: "James Callis Doesn't Love You"

This is a response to the post James Callis Doesn't Love You, written by James Tyler of comawhite.co.uk. If you visit the link and see comments by "Deniselle", those are edited by James T. and not the way I had written them. The comments by Anna/Elina, who James T. imagines is the same person as me, have also been altered. He also removed all links I posted to this response, so that people couldn't see what I had written. Fair and square online conversation, in other words! I've never seen anything like this before. Attacking someone in a post, OK, but altering their comments to suit your own image of them? More than a bit disturbing. Talk about creating an echo chamber!

ETA: I will add this one note, since he has now edited his post to claim that he doesn't give a damn about me and he was just "setting a bait" and now I'm a fool for responding. Okay. That makes you look worse, though, not better. Because saying incredibly rude things about someone because you're mad at them shows a lack of maturity, but saying those things just to get a reaction shows an even greater lack of maturity. And yes, it does imply that you just sat there waiting for a reaction from me, so you could say when I react that you couldn't care less. You can't really argue that you set a bait and argue that you don't care about me or my reaction. You're kind of admitting that you're a mean SOB who deliberately wants to hurt people's feelings for your own amusement. This does not make you the bigger person.

This is one of those cases where I can tell the person went out of their way to offend me, without any knowledge of me personally. Basically I had a fight with their girlfriend, and he got upset, so he decided to make a post about me. So he just sat there thinking of possible offenses. "Let's see. There's nothing directly ridiculous about having a fan blog, and that's really the only thing I know about her. But I guess I can spin that into a ridiculous thing if I claim she thinks James Callis loves her too. How pathetic is that? Bwa ha! And let's look at her picture... wow, she's fat, isn't she! That's great material right there, fat girls go cry and eat a donut as soon as you tell them they're fat. Man, I'm good! I can't wait til she sees this! Now to post as many links on twitter as possible and just wait for her response."

So here's my response: Blah. You call that an offensive post? I've been called fat so many times I lost count, and really, I am fat, and that's not a bad thing to be. So that one's rather... duh. I'm also short, and in case you missed it, I do wear glasses. Like you correctly observed, I'm also female, so fan+girl=fangirl. And, since the most important quality of a woman is attractiveness, you did right to point out my objective lack thereof. I am greatly humbled and will now promptly remove this blog.

So, the unrelated accusation here is that James doesn't love me and I'm therefore stupid and pathetic to love him.

I like to be tongue-in-cheek in this blog, but I guess I have to start posting huge THIS IS SARCASM notes all over it, so people realize I don't genuinely think James loves me and the blog. On second thought: no, I won't. My blog, my rules. If you don't understand sarcasm, maybe you shouldn't read here.

Just this once, however, I will respond to this "critique" and state my case in all seriousness. I'm a fangirl, hear me roar. Ahem.

I've never met James and cannot speak for him (and no other blogger can either). The only thing I can say is: I love James Callis. Do I expect him to love me back? Absolutely not. It's not how fandom works. You love someone from a distance, and you're not expecting for it to be reciprocated. I don't know any - sane and adult - fan who truly honestly believes they will marry their idols. Especially if the idol in question is already married with children. And the fan in question is in a happy long-term relationship with a woman. I don't need James to fulfil my romantic and sexual needs. Not that there's anything wrong with a single fan dreaming of a relationship with a star, as long as they don't expect for it to actually happen.

Do I have fantasies of him being friends with me and kinda loving me back? Yes, like any fan, I have those fantasies. Do I hope he reads the blog, enjoys it, and comes back for more? Absolutely. Do I expect for these things to be a reality? No. For the sake of the fantasy, I do retain the hope that James reads and might express appreciation for the blog, should I meet him one day. The autograph gave me some of that validation. But I never took his "lots and lots of love always" thing to mean that he literally loves me. He always says "lots of love" to fans - in the panels, in the forums, in the autographs. It's his phrase. It probably doesn't mean very much, even if it is sweet. The reason I reacted so strongly this time is that he added to it. That, to me, implies that he meant some of it this time. Not that he loves me like he loves his wife, children, or friends. Not even like I love him. Just that he genuinely appreciated my fandom and/or the stuff I sent him. That's all I wanted.

Let's say James, despite his general sunny disposition and kind autograph, really doesn't give a flying frak about me. Which, really, is very possible. Let's say he even thinks I'm a little fanatic and tedious, if he's read the blog. Does this make me ridiculous and pathetic to dream about him? No. It's just how fandom works. He doesn't need to feel anything at all for me. I have every right to love him, adore him, idolize him, whatever I want. Because this is my fantasy and no one else's. I've chosen to make some of my fandom public in this blog, partially because other fans share similar feelings for him. As far as I can see, having a blog like this is perfectly fine, as long as it remains respectful to James and doesn't spread lies or false rumors.

I was going to write a longer discussion of fan identification and feeling like you know the person, but that will have to wait to another time. It's an interesting topic, really. Part of why I started this blog is to celebrate fandom in general (the other part is, of course, celebrating James Callis). If the blog pisses people off, then maybe I have succeeded in expressing something real and resonant.

I'm not well enough versed in psychology to know why fandom happens to some people and not to others, and what the magic is in loving someone you've never met and really don't know much about. I just know this: it is magical, and it's beautiful, and it's yours. No one can take it away from you. Daring to love someone is always worth it.

Irritating Googlebits

aka Leave My TV Boyfriend Alone, You Morons!

This is a collection of quotes online that have irked me lately, and it's a small but biased defense of James. Because I'm in that mood.

To each his own, but this tweet bugs:

Wondering why the last of BSG had to include James Callis. Had enough of him long before that.

You do realize that he played one of the main characters from the very start? And had fifth billing in the credits throughout the show? And played the best, most complex character with the best arc? Well, I guess that last one is debatable. But still. (How can you have enough of James Callis?!)

A Youtube commenter in the James Callis 2007 interview:

hehe weird, he's had some "sniff" before he went on this. I never thought he'd be into drugs, but he's definitely got a powdered nose here. Dissapointing.

Wow. I'll admit that he seems a bit high-wound in this video, but considering his love of nicotine, caffeine, and sugar, he's probably just high on some or all of them (and possibly drunk, since it's at a con). I could be wrong, but this is one of those things where you want to know for sure, especially if you're going to disapprove. If he does recreational drugs, and you know this because he told you, fair enough. But if you don't know, don't get publicly indignant and disappointed just yet. Also, since he has to go through customs at various airports all the time, it might be a problem if he had drugs with him, right? So - pretty unlikely. Thanks for commenting though.

More pet peeves! Why is this header in a LJ that doesn't even seem to mention James?

"I cannot see that James Callis is straight."

I suggest you get new glasses then. I'm really tired of hearing this kind of thing. It's like, "Hey, James Callis is married and has never been with a man, but he must be gay because just look at the evidence! He's thin! He's emotional! He played a gay man once! He sometimes has long hair!"

I hate it when people use "gay" as an insult that basically means "not masculine enough". It's irritating and offensive. Not to mention unoriginal and unfunny.

It's a question of identity. James identifies as straight, and he has a right to do so. I'm always incredibly annoyed when people tell me that I should just "find the right man" and my feelings for women would stop. It's like strangers think they know better than me what my sexual feelings are (or would be, if only I left my loving girlfriend of three years). This whole "Sure you're straight James, nudge nudge, wink wink" thing is just the other side of the coin. Society determines your place on the masculine-feminine axis and/or your true, acceptable sexual identity. If you don't conform to that, you're cheating yourself. Annoying.

May I suggest that it's a little offensive in the same way when people complain about James' weight (or lack thereof)? There are so many links - which I won't link to here - saying he needs to eat a sandwich (and the same to Tricia), he's puny, etc. In light of the donut quote, it amuses me slightly, and while I don't want to draw too much attention to this, I do notice his various weight fluctuations. I'll accept that said fluctuations are slight and therefore not visible to everyone. He's probably still thinner than the average man, even in his heaviest times.

But is it OK to go around saying he's too thin? Isn't that another insult to his masculinity? Isn't it disrespectful of body type variety? Obviously he does eat, and he can't help being a naturally delicate guy. Some of us find that intensely attractive. Does everyone have to do bodybuilding? There can be more than one kind of masculinity, right?

For me, part of James' attraction is that you can see him as simultaneously thin and chubby, and both turn me on. Sometimes he's lighter, sometimes heavier. He'll have a slightly chubby belly, yet you can still see his bones; he'll be baby-faced, yet hollow-cheeked. It's delicate like the wing flaps of a butterfly. I realize I might sound silly now, but attraction is a funny thing.

How did I get into this topic again? Oy vey. Yes, I am still horny. I'm sure it'll cool off after a while and I'll be able to focus on something else. Or maybe I'll spend the rest of my life with a vaguely donut-related James obsession. At the moment, it doesn't sound like such a dreary prospect.

End of line.