Ideas for 17th Precinct...

Confirmed actors:
Jeff - James Callis
Caolan - Jamie Bamber
Morgana - Tricia Helfer
Right on! So what could these three get up to? I have a few ideas... :D

(Ron Moore if you use these please be fair and pay me OK? xoxo D) 

Can't Buy Me Love
Jeff's ex-wife (played by Lucy Lawless) shows up in town all sexy and in a huff, demanding more child support. Jeff's conscience takes the visible shape of Morgana in a blonde wig. Meanwhile, Caolan keeps seeing a strange blonde lady too (played by Katee Sackhoff). His longing takes the physical form of binge drinking and he ends up chasing a pigeon with a broom for ages. No crimes are solved in this episode.

A Rose by Any Other Name 
Jeff decides that his name is completely boring and unfitting to his androgynous British charm. He goes and changes it to Sebastian D'Ubervilles. Susan, who has been bonding with Jeff because of their dull names, breaks up with him. Caolan notices changes in his wife's appetite, but can't figure out why. Will Jeff change his name back? In the actual plot, the town is swept by a wave of mysterious murders, and the murderer always leaves a rose on the crime scene. But when you sniff it, it smells like something quite different. Is it a real rose? Is the murderer a rose-inventing magician? Could this be more contrived? I'm no good with police plots.

I think I need to yank the horniness higher and it will improve my ideas.

A Chest Hair's Stroke Away 
When the Chest Hair Strangler (Callum Keith Rennie) terrorizes the town, Jeff develops a mysterious rash which doesn't allow for him to wear a shirt. Seeing his delicious chest hair and tummy all the time, Morgana realizes her horniness could be the very key to solving the case...

Sexual Liaisons
Caolan and Jeff get more than a little bi-curious, and one thing leads to another... In the police plot, some guy is murdered with a baseball bat up his oh who the hell cares, sex all around!

James Callis = Santa?

There have been suspicions that James Callis is in fact the same person as "Santa", or "Father Christmas". We have found a picture that seems to be evidence that he truly is...

This photo was taken by an innocent bystander at last year's FedCon Germany. Note the suspicious beard and hat on Mr Callis, and his attempt to not notice the lost reindeer. (Quite cold really, since the reindeer looks very anxious indeed!) Mr Callis left FedCon in a hurry, perhaps to watch over his elves better. He has been known to retreat to India from time to time, but we suspect the North Pole is closer to the truth...

This post is brought to you by It's Office Christmas Party Day And I'm So Drunk. And I may actually remove it tomorrow when I'm sober again. But until then, hahahahahahaaa. :)

Man of the Year?!!!

Hey guys, I just got the greatest idea! How about if...

we try to get James Callis as MAN OF THE YEAR in Time Magazine?!!!

I mean this would be totally awesome! Let's get our voices out there! If you're good at graphics, let's do some graphics! If you're good at poetry, do poetry! If you're good at fan fiction.. well you get the point. (If you're good at nothing, please don't do anything or the project might fail...)

Some reasons why James should be man of the year:

-Smoking. In the face of much oppression, James has been gallantly smoking throughout the 90's and 2000's, in a changing world, he keeps his lifestyle. It's his decision. He is.. independent man. (Possibly even Marlboro man.)

-Donuts. I can't even eat two donuts without feeling sick but if James can eat "lots of donuts" or even "eat donuts all day", then that would mean he can battle nausea and just drudge on. He believes in something, he does that, he doesn't give up, even if he gains weight. My knight in white frosted armor!

-Fashion icon. He makes totally daring fashion choices. Not always good ones, but DARING ones. Whether it's trucker chic or boy next door shirt, he'll be the one to go there first.

-Hope. His character on BSG reminds us that you can have lots of random sex, betray, be selfish and arrogant and yet you may be saved and garner much respect. I can't tell you how inspirational I find this!!!

-He's totally sexy. Need I say more?

-He can act, write, direct, ride horses, act with snakes, play guitar and piano to a performance level... what can't he do?

-Adolf Hitler was man of the year, and so was Joseph Stalin (TWICE), so I'll be really offended if James doesn't make it! He's at least as influential, but in a good way! (in my life at any rate)

If we can't get Man of the year, let's also try to get Mane of the year. That's one category where he's certain to win, EVERY year! Look at that luscious mane!

So show your fan art, I've posted mine above. Too bad I only have Paint, but I must say, it comes pretty close to looking like a real Time cover!

Man(e) of the year! Man(e) of the year! Goooo James!!!

Oh James Why. :(

You know, I was actually feeling pretty good today... and then I found this:

"Callis goes bald for FlashForward". Sniff!! (There's no picture, so I can't say how bad it is.)

You know, I have been fearing this since that Galactica Quorum interview! We so should have made that petition that he not touch scissors for a year (Artemis_Neith's idea).

At least he knows we love it:

"I know my fans love the hair," says the hirsute actor. "But don't worry, girls - it grows back!"

....

"You know, I always wanted to know what it feels like to be bald," Callis says.

So how did it feel? "Cold."

Callis promises that the hair will be back by his Eureka role. "They pretty much insisted on it," he laughs.

Damn! I knew Dominic Monaghan was bald on the show, but James?

And I was so excited about this role! Oh well... at least we knew in beforehand so it won't be a big shock when we see him.

Callis-English Dictionary, Part 1

There is a rare and demanding language that we, as James Callis fans, must learn to decipher. I like to call it simply "Callis". After watching so many interviews and transcribing some of them, I consider myself something of a connoisseur of this language. Being the humble, noble person I am, I've decided to give the world the gift of a Callis-English dictionary. Let's start with some simple phrases.

Callis:

"That is a good question."

English:

"That is a question."

Callis:

"That is a GREAT question."

English:

"I'm not sure I understood your question."

Callis:

"There's this thing in Shakespeare..."

English:

"I digress, but did you know I got an education in literature? Shakespeare Shakespeare Shakespeare!"

Callis:

"I haven't seen the film yet..."

English:

"I saw it and oh god, what was I thinking?!"

Callis:

"Our WONDERFUL director..."

English:

"..who is probably reading this. I wouldn't want to burn any bridges."

Callis:
"The Audi ad was so much fun."

English:

"Ka-ching!"

Callis:

"It's definitely more for teenagers than BSG."

English:

"It's vastly inferior to BSG."

Callis:

"It's shot in Vancouver, which is great. I love Vancouver."

English:

"It is my only reason for taking the job."

Callis:

"on some level"/"on a very big level"/"on every level"/whatever with "level"

English:

This is a specific, often repeated feature of the Callis language, and it seems to serve as an equivalent for the "Intrusive Dash" used in written Callis. In other words, rather than strictly mean something, it serves as a divider between words and clauses.

I'll make fun of myself too, just to be fair. So here are a few Denis-English translations for those who want to decipher MY challenging and beautiful language, which I am the foremost expert on. Ahem.

Denis:

"James is brilliant in this film."

English:

"James is in this film."

Denis:

"He looks GREAT!"

English:

"He looks fatter, which is great."

Denis:
"I came upon this old James project..."

English:
"I broke every copyright law in the world to get it."

Denis:

"I came upon this on a random google search.."

English:

"I spent five frakking hours searching for more donut quotes and all I found was this. Frak!"

Denis:

"I respectfully disagree."

English:

"You don't see the genius of James and therefore you are an idiot."

Movie Ideas For James, Part 2

I seem to have blogged about movie ideas for James about a year ago, so why not freshen up the blog with some new ones? I still haven't heard from James or his agent re:the old ones, but the same prices apply: 500 bucks/idea and 10 000 if you want me to write the whole script. I can start writing anytime. I have lots of free time on my hands, as you can probably tell by these ideas...

Jimmy the Dog

Jimmy (James Callis) gets weird news one day: his uncle has passed away and left him in possession of his dachshund (Dora Negri-Crutchfield). Not a fan of dogs, Jimmy evades his responsibility - especially since the dog looks eerily like him and keeps giving him weird looks. One day, he wakes up and realizes his consciousness has been placed inside the dog's body, while Jimmy is now inhabited and controlled by a dog's mind. How can he signal to other people what's going on? Will anyone believe him? Will the dog ruin his chances with his girlriend Ginny (Lucy Lawless)? In this educational family comedy, Jimmy learns a lot about life in general and dogs in particular.

A Woman From the Near Future

Nurse Janine (Tricia Helfer) witnesses the death of a handsome, kind man (James Callis) she only sees briefly on one day. Devastated by the event, she begs God to give her a chance to help him. The next morning, she wakes up - to the same day all over again. There's a note on her desk saying "Whatever you do, don't fall in love or else. GOD" Will she be able to save him? Will she be able to resist that luscious hair? What kind of punishment will God (Edward James Olmos) give her when she can't?

The Box

Five people (one of whom is James Callis) wake up inside a weird box. What is the box? How did they get there? How can they get out? Can they? James plays a weird guy who seems to be holding many secrets. For one thing, where does he keep getting cigarettes and donuts? Secrets are revealed, horror ensues, etc.

(This is not a copy of The Cube.)

(Oh who am I kidding, it totally is, but the point is I could still make it fresh and novel. With the cigarettes and donuts.)

Jack the Ripper Meets the Stripper

Loosely based on the life of murderer Jack the Ripper, this movie details a brief encounter between Jack (James Callis) and stripper Dyamonde (Tricia Helfer). After this encounter, she stays in his head as a weird guiding angel who also has sex with him.

(Um, I don't know all that much about Jack, so it could be mostly sex and moral dilemmas in the head of a murderer. They could improvise a whole lot.)

My Liver's Busted

Gengulphus Donglefield (James Callis) is a posh British upper-class twit who's drunk himself to near death. His liver busted, he needs a liver transplant - only no one wants to give him one, so he has to ask his estranged family for help. His mother volunteers to give her liver, but only if Gengulphus become entangled in her weird criminal pursuits to rob a...

Hey wait a minute, she'd die if she donated her liver. Ummm.

My Kidney's Busted

Gengulphus Donglefield (James Callis) is a posh British upper-class twit who's drunk himself to near death. His kidney busted, he needs a transplant - but who can give him one when his whole estranged family despises him? His mother Lady Eustacia Donglefield née Montparnassé (Barbra Streisand) finally volunteers to help, but only if he get entagled with her weird criminal pursuits to rob a bank (or something more interesting). Can Gengulphus climb walls and cat-burglarize with his busted kidney? Will he be busted by the cops before he gets the transplant? Thriller, PG-13.

Super Size Him

Fat fetishist fan Deniselle (Lucy Lawless)* decides to fatten up her slender idol James Callis (as himself). She volunteers at cons and plants pastries wherever he goes. Will James be able to resist her sweet offerings? Will the other fans get wind of this harebrained scheme and stop her in time? Or will her conscience (Tricia Helfer) get to her? (Training montage not included.)

* Well she looks a bit like me, OK? She has the same hair color as Three, anyway. Shut up.

A Deep Post. Because I'm Not Shallow.

I just have to post something so that the bum post isn't on top. Because, you know, Elina already referred to this as my "bum blog". :D

Honestly, I'm not a shallow person! This blog is about James Callis and what an awesome actor and person he is, not about his body parts. And if it were about body parts, I should always give the biggest attention to the donut gut (where applicable!), because it doesn't get enough attention otherwise. But this post is not about that! This post is deep and profound.

Here's something deep: James posed for a "Lisa Walks" photo, found here (scroll down). If you donate 20 bucks, you can get a print of the photo. The money goes to breast cancer research. I really like the compassionate look on his face and the fact that he holds the bear to his chest. (L)!!! Very thoughtful. Great photo for a great cause. There was also an auction with the bear he had signed (and held to his chest, drool) but sadly, the auction is already completed.

Did I manage to drool again? Oh dear. Hmmm. *Googles "James Callis"+profound*

OK, let's see, the show cast relates their most profound memories...

After filming the miniseries, Callis was asked to stay in Vancouver to finish a final shot called a pickup. He got an envelope with instructions on what they'd be shooting. "I open it up. It's like, 'Baltar removes Six's plastic knickers.' And I'm like, 'What?' They're like, 'We didn't get it on the day, James.' And I'm like, 'You are kidding me?' They're like, 'No.' 'That's why I'm staying back in Vancouver? I've got to take black plastic knickers off.' 'Yes, we need it. We need the shot.' That was just terribly funny, the idea that out of this whole space opera and drama that was the one shot they needed of us," laughs Callis. 'They didn't need our faces. ... That is a cute little memory I will hold."

You're not helping, James!! Since when is that profound? I know he doesn't mention the donut gut but that's exactly where my mind went. Also I wish he had mentioned it, because I want to hear how he'd describe it... Sigh.

Completely unrelated to his looks! The results of the nickname poll.

Cornelius	0 (0%)
Deuteronomy	1 (14%)
Gaylord	1 (14%)
Gengulphus	3 (42%)
Just James	2 (28%)

Looks like his full name is James Gengulphus Callis. I must admit I voted for Gengulphus, even if I don't really think he has a middle name. He must be middle-name-less, because he even tells us his children's names. Why would he hide his own middle name?

I actually had a dream about him being credited as "James H. Callis" or "James Callis H." in some older things (Soldier Soldier?) and I was really excited to get to guess on his middle name. (I guessed Henry, and conveniently remembered his grandfather was named that.. this is true only in the dream.)

Sadly, I thought of the best option after I posted the poll: James Travis Callis. Almost the same as his last name, and always a fun name. Travis! (L) Maybe James should change his name to Travis, coming to think of it. Then I could laugh each time I hear his name.

Well, here's something non-shallow: a hot picture of James. There's a comment that lists his good sides:

1) nice; 2) personable; 3) thoughtful; 4) funny; 5) sweet; and 6) h-o-t hot. smouldering smoking hot in person. way way way hotter than on the show.

Awww. (L) I may have linked to this on the dragon con 2008 post, but that was ages ago, so re-linkage FTW! (Also: suspenders.)

As a deep and profound person, it annoys me that there are so many of these "guys" lists online. I stumble upon them with every search. Basically, you're supposed to bold the ones you'd shag, strikethrough the ones you'd never touch, etc. etc. and almost everyone uses the question mark with James, as in they've never heard of him. So it's a completely useless mention of his name that comes up in every search. I might be more lenient towards it if he was mentioned as someone people want to shag. But now, I pronounce this list a complete spacewaster. For shame!

I think this post adequately showcases my depth and coresponding lack of shallowness. Mission accomplished.

10,000 Views! Also: Buttocks.

This article about a British actor's buttocks is a stub. Would you like to help us expand it? Please send us any information you have about James Callis' buttocks. We are desperate.


A video of James Callis shaking his bum. Thanks to M for the tip!

This blog has had over 10,000 visits! Happy and proud, I made the stupid promise on Twitter that the 10,000th visitor gets to wish for a post, within reason. As it happens, that visitor was Elina, who had just recently seen the third season gag reel with James' bare buttocks. She requested a post about James' "sweet peachy ass". After much consideration, I decided to comply. Unwillingly, I might add! Any horniness is purely coincidental! Hope you're happy, Elina - I did quite a bit of research for this post. :D

So I give you: A very scientific and matter-of-fact post about James Callis' buttocks. With much thanks to everyone who ever read, linked and/or commented. My cup runneth over (and not just because of James' sexy body parts).

Buttocks in General

According to Wikipedia, buttocks are "rounded portions of the anatomy located on the posterior of the pelvic region of apes and humans, including many other bipeds or quadrupeds." This would include most of my readers, myself and of course, James Callis.

Continues Wikipedia:

"The buttocks are formed by the masses of the gluteal muscles or 'glutes' (the gluteus maximus muscle and the gluteus medius muscle) superimposed by a layer of fat. The superior aspect of the buttock ends at the iliac crest, and the lower aspect is outlined by the horizontal gluteal crease."

I must admit I didn't understand most of that, so let's move on.

James Callis' Bum

British actor James Callis, perhaps best known for his role in the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, has buttocks located in the predictable place, between his back and thighs. His buttocks, hereby called his "bum" because that is how he refers to them, are used primarily for sitting on, as well as other more private uses, which we will ignore here.

Fans Elina and Deniselle (Twitter, October 2009) decided the proper term to refer to Mr Callis' bum is "sweet tush". According to the Wikipedia article, "tush" is derived from Yiddish "tochus", which is also fitting, given that Callis is Jewish.

James Callis' Bum in Entertainment

James Callis' bum is seen clothed in most episodes of the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica. In one instance, in the third season gag reel only (at about 7 minutes and on), it was seen without any clothing whatsoever. Mr Callis appeared naked in front of Tricia Helfer and Lucy Lawless. Mrs Lawless burst into laughter upon seeing his impressive male parts, after which they changed the scene.

The screenshots are here. Note the aesthetically pleasing round shape of the buttocks. Gush and drool warning is given.

References to James Callis' Bum, by James Callis.

Mr Callis has referred to his bum, usually jokingly, in several occasions.

Most notably, said bum apparently got him the role in Bridget Jones' Diary:

I auditioned singing Tainted Love, I'm pretty sure it was Tainted Love. I didn't even have any lines, I just had to walk into a room and like do this [shakes his hips a bit], Tainted Love. Apparently my singing wasn't great but the way I shook my bum was. [laughter] That's the message that came back, it was like "yeah, you shook your arse nice".
(An Evening With James Callis: The Panel, Part 3)

About his role in Merlin and the Book of Beasts:

James: Well, no, I haven't been as busy as that. I just did one short movie now, called Merlin and the Book of Beasts. And it's kind of a strange story, I haven't seen it yet so I don't know what it's going to look like. All I know is that I had uh... personal hair extensions down to my bum. The hair extensions didn't exactly match my hair. (laughter)

Mark A. Sheppard: Did it match the hair on your bum? (laughter)

James: I don't know ?, otherwise I woud have been in a lot of trouble.
(Starfury Q&A: James Callis/Mark Sheppard, Part 1)

An intriguing mention in a post to the Unofficial Website (25 April, 2001):

And spotted in the King's Road? What can I say? I was there, I'm not sure how sexy the jacket was or how yummy I was, just been to the doc, mandatory check-up every time you do a job for insurance purposes. It was the quickest check up in world history.

I'm asking myself would I pinch someone's bottom if I'd seen them on T.V. It's certainly a novel way of introducing yourself.

The answer is probably no (don't men get arrested for that sort of thing?). But I'm sure it would make for a more lively and entertaining afternoon... Perhaps on reflection we should all get slightly more frazzeled.

So apparently some poor-mannered, yet lucky (female?) fan has been able to touch Mr Callis' bum. Which, as you can see, he here refers to as "bottom".

There are also other mentions but I am too lazy to hunt them down.

Edit: OK, I knew I had these somewhere! M screencapped the second season gag reel bit where James' bare bum is showing. He tries to hide it with a magazine though. So here, though blurry, some pictorial evidence:





And now for something completely different: a man with three buttocks.

James Canis?

Do you think James looks like this dog (canis lupus familiaris)? I think he looks a lot like this dog (canis lupus familiaris) (long-haired dachshund).

Note the prominent chest hair, silky long hair by the ears, warm and intelligent brown eyes and the nose shape. Admittedly, the nose is a bit too long, but there's a definite similarity there. Dachshunds are known for their low stature, and James is a short guy, so it seems to fit.

I've added a poll to the right margin, just for fun. Let me know if you agree, or if I'm just obsessed with dogs.

PS: two Cavils on the prowl.

EDIT: Poll results

Well, no mass of votes flooded into the poll, but here are the results:

Hmm, now that you mention it... 3
OMG! James Canis! 1
What are you on?! 1
Total votes 5

I'm glad that 4 out of 5 voters do seem to see the canine nature of our James. The problem is: he just cut his hair! So is he a short-haired dachshund now?

Going to Meet James Callis! (Possibly. Maybe. We'll See.)

OK, so I'm tentatively going to Bonn. This is not a promise, but it's how I feel at the moment, so I feel confident enough to post it. If I do go, you will see a lot of reporting here about the event. If I don't, you will see other people's reports and my jealous mutterings. Rain check regarding money and mental health. I will confess that I splurged on a new laptop, but I do need it. My mental health, however, has been improving drastically lately, so I might actually be able to handle this. I feel better about myself and more confident in general. Fan meetings are a big test on nerves and self-confidence, though, so I might not be able to go through with it. But as it is right now, I can imagine going, which is a start.

Like I wrote earlier, I'm a little anxious as to whether James reads the blog and stuff. But he must have seen me post at the JC forum either way, so he has some idea that he has a fan in Finland who's a bit ... (self esteem check)... charming or at least as acceptable as anyone else. Eh.

I promise not to do any of the following:

1. Print out my entire blog. Then have him sign each page with a different witty remark (which I will later post in the blog, but no pressure!). I'd best be last in line because this could take a while...

2. "I'll be out of your hair in a minute, hahahhaaha" (maniacal laughter) *snaps a hair off James' head* *snaps a hair off James' chest* *snaps hairs off various other unmentionable places* *gets carried out by security*

3. "Have you been eating donuts lately or not? It's hard to tell with your shirt on, could you just remove it and I can palpate a bit... Don't be shy!" (I could bring a stetoscope to make it appear like I'm a doctor.)

4. Show up with a full body tattoo of his body. Or alternatively just his face on my belly. I'd tell him to sign it well because I'm going to have it tattooed on...

5. Bring him the gift of "Baltar's blood vials". Full of my own blood.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Which is that I'm really nervous about the meeting and sure I'm going to be shy and awkward, so I need to make up these random scenarios that certainly won't be happening.

I'm not sure what to expect. I know he'll be sweet and lovely and all that, but I will probably be bumbling and shy, or at least FEEL bumbling and shy, and not be able to be the witty, composed, almost ingenious blog author you all know. I do have an alternate reality fantasy where I'm really witty and relaxed with him and make a really good impression, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

I have to stop thinking about it because my heart is beating really fast. Which might mean I'm not ready to go, but it's two months left to make an actual decision. Whatever I do, it should be something I'm personally comfortable with. James can live without ever meeting me and I can live without ever meeting him (I think), so my mental health comes first. I'll keep you posted on the final decision.

James Callis is... Hat Man!

A.k.a. I started summer holiday today and am posting this completely brain-free post just to celebrate it. Bear with me, I just worked seven days in a row.

(Warning: If you don't want the Batman theme stuck in your head, stop reading now.)

Hat man!

Doo doo! Hat man!


Hat maan!


(above screenshots by kixxa, posts here, here and here.
)


Hat man! Doo doo!

Hat man, hat man, hat man!

Hat maaan!
(screenshot and alpaca pic by M)


Post by: Hat Girl! Doo doo!



Da da da da da da - Hat giiirl!

Thank you. Posts with more content coming soon :D

There Are Many Donuts...

Yes, I'm still thinking about the donuts and James' - admittedly rather miniscule - weight changes stemming therefrom (see this post, section 'Donuts, guts thereof, and sex scenes'). Good sides: I am very happy; I'm totally over the fat girl in Beginner's Luck thing (if he's that relaxed about weight, he's okay). Bad sides: there's absolutely nothing online about James and donuts, other than the links I've already posted. Or if there is, it's not available on any Google search I can think of. So I think I'm going to have to give up this obsession and return to his chest hair, his hair in general, his smoking, his cheeks (or lack thereof), his kindness, his humor, his talent... Well, I must admit there's a lot to obsess over when it comes to James Callis.

I thought I could at least use my obsession for the benefit of the other fans by posting a little eye candy (or in this case, eye donuts) - a couple of James' belly screenshots from the show. For those who don't know me, I have a great appreciation for fat and this post is not meant to ridicule James' physique in any way. I'm just really horny right now. All screenshots by me.

Season 2, Lay Down Your Burdens: Part 2, deleted scene. Fairly small, but there is some protuberance that can be detected.



Season 3, Torn. Slightly bigger here. Note the way his hair is divided - lots on the chest, nothing on the belly, and then that bit below his bellybutton where he has a bit of fuzz going down to other... regions...



Season 4, He That Believeth in Me. I can't decide if it's the same size or bigger than in the Torn pictures, but it... drool...

I must admit I lack an understanding of the male physique, since I've spent my life staring at women. So what's the verdict - is it muscles or donuts or both? Either way, it's looking pretty damn hot.

James Callis Smokes

I've had so many searches for this lately that I decided to post a clear answer.

Some people may frown, but you know what:
It may not be healthy, but it looks damn hot.
It happens all the time and you can bet (on) it,
James Callis smokes, now don't you forget it.

Thank you.

(Screenshots by M, from the Music of BSG mockumentary.)

Movie Ideas For James...

Now that James is done with BSG, he's free to do just anything, and I have a few good ideas on how he can spend the rest of his career! These movies will surely make him the shiniest star in Hollywood or wherever. I have another idea which is a bit longer, so I'll make another post about it later.

Farmyard Follies - Depressed Dorset dairy farmer Willy Kunkel (James Callis) suffers from women troubles, money problems, cow ennui and unbearable ear itches*. He finds new meaning for his life when he expands his barn and gets sheep, pigs and geese as well as cows. The mysteriously sexy and likeable vet Emily Estrogen (Tricia Helfer) helps matters considerably. But just as things are turning around for Willy, his alcoholic uncle (Michael Hogan) and fussy aunt (Mary McDonnell) decide to come for a visit - that lasts the entire summer. How will the animals get their revenge..?

*= I love James' ears and this would allow for lots of dramatic and non-gratuitous ear closeups!

He's Having My Baby - Timmy Twat (James Callis) is an ordinary guy - except for one little detail: he is pregnant*. How will he explain this to his kind and incredibly sexy girlfriend Lucy (Lawless)? Before he can tell her the news, she has news of her own - she's pregnant too! How will they handle the pressure of twins and two simultaneous pregnancies?! Hilarities ensue as their doctor (Robin Williams) turns out to be a complete buffoon. From Russia*.

* = You can say what you want but this is NOT a rip-off, Junior attempted to explain away the male pregnancy in a scientific way but this time there'll be no explanation, he's just pregnant and no one questions how/why... Basically it'd be hilarious to have a fake belly on James, so this will work well.

*= You can say what you want but this is NOT a rip-off of Nine Months. You can have more than one Russian buffoon gynecologist, right?

The Chest Hair of Justice - the Honorable Conrad Conscience (James Callis) always knows how to rule - until his ample chest hair starts to behave in a very strange way indeed! Sometimes, when he acquits a criminal, the hair stands on end, piercing through the cape. And each time, the criminal ends up breaking the law again. When a mysteriously sexy and likeable young woman (Tricia Helfer) is tried for murder, Conrad really wants to acquit her - but his chest hair suddenly stands on end (as do some other, unmentionable body parts). Who will he listen to - his conscience, his chest hair, or some other body parts?

The Man With No Cheeks - Jimmy Jerkoff (James Callis) is a normal guy, except for one little detail: he has no identifiable cheeks. His chubbier-than-thou friends mock him, so he goes on a bet that he can gain half a cheek per week eating nothing but enormous burger meals.* Jimmy fails to gain weight and is depressed, but he's rescued by the owner of the burger place, a mysteriously sexy and kind woman (Mary McDonnell). As they get married, it turns out she's the richest woman in the world and thus Jimmy has something better than cheeks: money.

* = Say whatever you want, but this is not a rip-off of Super Size Me because it's not a documentary.

These are just some ideas - there's more where that came from! The best part is, I'm not greedy. I'd happily sell any of these ideas for only $ 5,000 - and write a full script for any of them for only $ 10,000! Anything to further James' career.

Naughty Gaius And the Soul-Breaking Guilt

The children!! Will someone please think of the children?!
Well, we at ACB - Appropriate Children's Books do. We want to tell it like it is, teach children about the world before they learn themselves and accuse us of sugar-coating things. The re-imagined Battlestar Galactica is a great and fun tool for teaching kids. We put the sci back in sci fi!

New in the Naughty Gaius series:

NAUGHTY GAIUS AND THE SOUL-BREAKING GUILT!



This massive 700-page opus will not only entertain, but also teach your child the essentials of the following themes:

-Conscience and guilt
-Sex and seduction
-Nuclear holocaust.

Age target group: 8-12.

Synopsis: Naughty Gaius' narcissism* and nymphomania* cause the destruction of mankind as the cylons decide to blow up the place and use him as a pawn. To punish him, Gaius' conscience sends him on a trip with no return - into the depths of a soul-breaking guilt.

* See Naughty Gaius Is a Nymphomaniac Narcissist.

"Did you know?" (tm) -footnotes will guide your child's reading experience throughout, explaining the difficult words and concepts. Who knows - maybe even the parents will learn something new!

Colorful pictures will show the child the varying stages of Gaius' psychosis*and mental devastation*.
* these words will be explained in the book!!

"How would YOU feel?" (tm) - tools to build the child's empathy level. How would YOU feel if you had unwittingly caused the destruction of mankind? Discuss with the whole family!

Learn from this (tm): Spelling out the lesson in each chapter helps your child frame his or her thinking. This technique is based on many studies*.

* We'd link to some, but you wouldn't understand. Trust us, we're experts.

Excerpts from the book:

Naughty Gaius is having the time of his life. He's a successful scientist, very famous and rich. He has a lot of girlfriends (a LOT). One of them is especially important to him. When Gaius is too lazy to do his own work, she will do it for him. And she's great in the sack*. For some reason, she doesn't have a name, but as Gaius will soon find out, she goes by a number instead: Six.


Gaius and Six are reaching orgasm* together. Look how happy they are! Wouldn't you also like to feel this happy?

Did you know? (tm): In the sack means in bed. While having sex.

Orgasm is when you feel really really really really really good after touching yourself or being touched by someone. Have you ever felt it? No worries if you haven't - you can reach it with the help of our easy guide! Girls, look at page 21 and boys, read page 22. If you don't know which you are, you can read page 23.

Learn from this (tm): If you're too lazy to work, you can hire others to do it for you. Sometimes, instead of giving them money, you can pay for it "the natural way".

Did you know? (tm): The natural way means with sex.

-----

After learning that he caused for many, many people to die horribly, Naughty Gaius suffers from a guilty conscience*. This almost never happens to him; usually he just doesn't listen to his conscience. He's too important, rich, and famous to do that - he can always buy his way out of any trouble. This makes his life easier and helps his brain focus on science. In fact, Gaius believes that guilt is something small people feel when they run out of excuses for their behavior - and Gaius is very good at thinking of excuses. But this time, none of them work. Gaius gets brutally tortured* by his conscience.

Did you know? (tm): A conscience is a little voice inside you that tells you if you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. If you do the right thing, you feel good. If you do the wrong thing, you feel bad, or guilty. But do you know what? People often disagree on what is right and wrong. It might be impossible to tell what is right in a new situation.

You may have seen funny conscience characters on Disney films, but in reality, it's pretty dull. There's no cartoon violence or singing Jiminy Crickets. You're just gonna feel miserable if you do something wrong. It's best to just ignore your conscience and try to get by doing what you feel is best. You'll only feel it if you do something really wrong, just like Gaius did.

Torture happens when someone hurts you and you feel really, really strong pain. They won't stop until you're almost dead. See page 550, chapter Demonic D'Anna and Her Terrible Torture Chamber.

Learn from this (tm): If you're feeling really happy, something awful is bound to happen soon. Life just isn't meant to be easy.

-----



Suddenly, Six is there again! And she looks as sexy as ever. But wait - no one else can see or hear her. Is she an angel sent by an unknown God, or a cylon chip in his brain, or a hallucination*? Either way, she can still give him a good frakking*. But she also helps Gaius remember the terrible things he has caused, loves teasing him, and won't leave him alone at all. And she's always touching him when others are looking! This makes Gaius very nervous and worried that others will find out. No matter what he does, he can't escape her. He's trapped on Colonial One, and with her.

Did you know? (tm): Hallucinations are like nightmares, but you see them when you're awake. You can't escape them by waking up. Hallucinations are really scary. If you have them, don't tell anyone because they will put you in mental hospital and you'll never get out.

Frakking - you guessed it, it means sex. It's close to another, more common word that we weren't allowed to print here. Hint: replace "ra" with "u". Hint 2: It rhymes with "ducking". Try it out - a good word for many purposes! :)

How would YOU feel? (tm): If Gaius doesn't tell anyone about all this, he will feel really bad and be all alone with it. If he tells someone, the others will hate him and kill him. How would this make YOU feel? Discuss with Mommy/Stepmommy and Daddy/Stepdaddy and/or Grandma/Grandpa/Other Legal Guardian.

Order the book TODAY. What are you still waiting for? Do you want to deprive your child of the joy of discovery and education? Don't be as selfish as Gaius - give your child the gift of learning NOW*!

$ 500 + shipping fee.

* in 5-10 weekdays.

Have you read these yet?:
Naughty Gaius Is a Nymphomaniac Narcissist
Naughty Gaius Is a Sex God

Crafty Kara Gets Drunk and Disorderly
Crafty Kara And the Mysterious Mandala
Crafty Kara Is the Harbringer of Death

Little Leland: Why Doesn't My Daddy Love Me?
Little Leland Has a Death Wish
"Little" Leland And the Treacherous Treats

written by Deniselle
cover by Deniselle
screenshots by Sidestepping

Is There a Toaster in the House?

Disclaimer: this post has absolutely nothing to do with James Callis. We apologize for any inconvenience.



My girlfriend's an avid Sims player, and recently she added a familiar-looking servant to her game family. You can find the design here - a cylon centurion in all its glory. She's made some screenshots, and I thought it might be fun for other BSG lovers to see the centurion in a domestic role for a change. Since the look hasn't been changed at all, it looks pretty menacing, but the family doesn't seem to mind. The character is named Toaster.



The family in question includes grilled cheese sims, and the preparation of a cheesecake seems like a natural chore for their servant. There's something hilarious about a centurion being used for baking and serving a cake.


Apart from being a chef, Toaster also serves as the family's loyal babysitter. The claws don't seem like the most convenient tool for handling a small child, but the baby is obviously gleeful to be playing with him.

Peekaboo.


This may look like a painful struggle, but the baby is actually being tickled by Toaster.

Aww, all warm and snuggly.

The baby has a need to sing a nursery rhyme with Toaster.

And after a while, when Toaster is around children, the idea of adoption (pacifier+phone) appears in his mind...



Time will tell if Toaster gets an adoption going.

When he's having time off, he encounters the most annoying situation. Don't you just hate it when you're writing a diary entry about garden gnomes and someone walks in?



Is it Garden Gnome Gaius* he's writing about?

*=that's what my girlfriend calls the bearded season 3 Gaius. I must admit it's pretty fitting.


The picture of the person who walked in, with a cross over her head, appears in Toaster's mind as she walks in. Privacy please!




Another version of the same situation. Note the heart with hands on the table, which somehow makes this all the funnier or me.

I might post more of these screenshots later. It's just so amusing to see the centurion in such an, um, dignified role.

James Tops Hot Jewish List

This Hot Jewish List gave me a good laugh. Apparently this blogger doesn't know of many other hot Jews, but the point is that James topped it. And you can literally say that it's an honor to even be mentioned on a list like this.

Heee.