Now that James is done with BSG, he's free to do just anything, and I have a few good ideas on how he can spend the rest of his career! These movies will surely make him the shiniest star in Hollywood or wherever. I have another idea which is a bit longer, so I'll make another post about it later.
Farmyard Follies - Depressed Dorset dairy farmer Willy Kunkel (James Callis) suffers from women troubles, money problems, cow ennui and unbearable ear itches*. He finds new meaning for his life when he expands his barn and gets sheep, pigs and geese as well as cows. The mysteriously sexy and likeable vet Emily Estrogen (Tricia Helfer) helps matters considerably. But just as things are turning around for Willy, his alcoholic uncle (Michael Hogan) and fussy aunt (Mary McDonnell) decide to come for a visit - that lasts the entire summer. How will the animals get their revenge..?
*= I love James' ears and this would allow for lots of dramatic and non-gratuitous ear closeups!
He's Having My Baby - Timmy Twat (James Callis) is an ordinary guy - except for one little detail: he is pregnant*. How will he explain this to his kind and incredibly sexy girlfriend Lucy (Lawless)? Before he can tell her the news, she has news of her own - she's pregnant too! How will they handle the pressure of twins and two simultaneous pregnancies?! Hilarities ensue as their doctor (Robin Williams) turns out to be a complete buffoon. From Russia*.
* = You can say what you want but this is NOT a rip-off, Junior attempted to explain away the male pregnancy in a scientific way but this time there'll be no explanation, he's just pregnant and no one questions how/why... Basically it'd be hilarious to have a fake belly on James, so this will work well.
*= You can say what you want but this is NOT a rip-off of Nine Months. You can have more than one Russian buffoon gynecologist, right?
The Chest Hair of Justice - the Honorable Conrad Conscience (James Callis) always knows how to rule - until his ample chest hair starts to behave in a very strange way indeed! Sometimes, when he acquits a criminal, the hair stands on end, piercing through the cape. And each time, the criminal ends up breaking the law again. When a mysteriously sexy and likeable young woman (Tricia Helfer) is tried for murder, Conrad really wants to acquit her - but his chest hair suddenly stands on end (as do some other, unmentionable body parts). Who will he listen to - his conscience, his chest hair, or some other body parts?
The Man With No Cheeks - Jimmy Jerkoff (James Callis) is a normal guy, except for one little detail: he has no identifiable cheeks. His chubbier-than-thou friends mock him, so he goes on a bet that he can gain half a cheek per week eating nothing but enormous burger meals.* Jimmy fails to gain weight and is depressed, but he's rescued by the owner of the burger place, a mysteriously sexy and kind woman (Mary McDonnell). As they get married, it turns out she's the richest woman in the world and thus Jimmy has something better than cheeks: money.
* = Say whatever you want, but this is not a rip-off of Super Size Me because it's not a documentary.
These are just some ideas - there's more where that came from! The best part is, I'm not greedy. I'd happily sell any of these ideas for only $ 5,000 - and write a full script for any of them for only $ 10,000! Anything to further James' career.