Ahem. Dear Mr. Callis, it has come to our attention that thou - thee? - you are celebrating thine - thorne? - 40th birthday today. We are taking this with the utmost seriousness, and thus have composed for thee - thou? - a poem that goes thus:
Each time I lay eyes onto you
My heart doth stoppeth.
For it is in the gentle forms and slopes
of your form
Ahem. Yes, sometimes on times like these, we have a tendency to get overly, well, stimulated. Perhaps it is best to device a new poem, this time more appropriate.
Thy beauty fills the Earth and skies
And rivers, lakes beneath it;
Ah, how fans wish they could device
a machine with which to repeat it;
So then we could jump onto thee
Perhaps it is the poetic format here that is making the... lack of ... or the excessive... Let us attempt in a more contemporary, jocular style.
You are turning 40
The fans are getting horny
Today is your birthday
So make it your girth day
Eat lots of donuts
..something something gonads?
Oh for f's sake! Can't I write something NORMAL and non-horny! This bugs me.
My fandom, my fandom,
it makes my heart explode.
It's not any of your fault,
but I still want you to know.
What the fuck was that?!
You bring so many people joy,
don't ever stop being a little boy
at heart and soul and imagination
continue to create and seek elation.
Hmmm, bland yet boring. But it's not creepy. This is a step in the right direction.
I think I thought of just the perfect thing to say. Ahem:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAMES!
You are the wind beneath my wings,
the apple of my eye,
the whiskey in my brandy,
the stretch marks on my thigh;
the wind in my willows
the fluff in my pillows
the wuthers of my heights,
the power of my lights;
my failure to comply,
my tendency to lie,
my rifle of the night,
my sorrow shining bright;
my grown up teenage dream-a,
my Anna Karenina,
*sniff* that was beautiful. I'm happy now.