Thursday, January 1, 2009

Naughty Gaius And the Soul-Breaking Guilt

The children!! Will someone please think of the children?!
Well, we at ACB - Appropriate Children's Books do. We want to tell it like it is, teach children about the world before they learn themselves and accuse us of sugar-coating things. The re-imagined Battlestar Galactica is a great and fun tool for teaching kids. We put the sci back in sci fi!

New in the Naughty Gaius series:

NAUGHTY GAIUS AND THE SOUL-BREAKING GUILT!



This massive 700-page opus will not only entertain, but also teach your child the essentials of the following themes:

-Conscience and guilt
-Sex and seduction
-Nuclear holocaust.

Age target group: 8-12.

Synopsis: Naughty Gaius' narcissism* and nymphomania* cause the destruction of mankind as the cylons decide to blow up the place and use him as a pawn. To punish him, Gaius' conscience sends him on a trip with no return - into the depths of a soul-breaking guilt.

* See Naughty Gaius Is a Nymphomaniac Narcissist.

"Did you know?" (tm) -footnotes will guide your child's reading experience throughout, explaining the difficult words and concepts. Who knows - maybe even the parents will learn something new!

Colorful pictures will show the child the varying stages of Gaius' psychosis*and mental devastation*.
* these words will be explained in the book!!

"How would YOU feel?" (tm) - tools to build the child's empathy level. How would YOU feel if you had unwittingly caused the destruction of mankind? Discuss with the whole family!

Learn from this (tm): Spelling out the lesson in each chapter helps your child frame his or her thinking. This technique is based on many studies*.

* We'd link to some, but you wouldn't understand. Trust us, we're experts.

Excerpts from the book:

Naughty Gaius is having the time of his life. He's a successful scientist, very famous and rich. He has a lot of girlfriends (a LOT). One of them is especially important to him. When Gaius is too lazy to do his own work, she will do it for him. And she's great in the sack*. For some reason, she doesn't have a name, but as Gaius will soon find out, she goes by a number instead: Six.


Gaius and Six are reaching orgasm* together. Look how happy they are! Wouldn't you also like to feel this happy?

Did you know? (tm): In the sack means in bed. While having sex.

Orgasm is when you feel really really really really really good after touching yourself or being touched by someone. Have you ever felt it? No worries if you haven't - you can reach it with the help of our easy guide! Girls, look at page 21 and boys, read page 22. If you don't know which you are, you can read page 23.

Learn from this (tm): If you're too lazy to work, you can hire others to do it for you. Sometimes, instead of giving them money, you can pay for it "the natural way".

Did you know? (tm): The natural way means with sex.

-----

After learning that he caused for many, many people to die horribly, Naughty Gaius suffers from a guilty conscience*. This almost never happens to him; usually he just doesn't listen to his conscience. He's too important, rich, and famous to do that - he can always buy his way out of any trouble. This makes his life easier and helps his brain focus on science. In fact, Gaius believes that guilt is something small people feel when they run out of excuses for their behavior - and Gaius is very good at thinking of excuses. But this time, none of them work. Gaius gets brutally tortured* by his conscience.

Did you know? (tm): A conscience is a little voice inside you that tells you if you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. If you do the right thing, you feel good. If you do the wrong thing, you feel bad, or guilty. But do you know what? People often disagree on what is right and wrong. It might be impossible to tell what is right in a new situation.

You may have seen funny conscience characters on Disney films, but in reality, it's pretty dull. There's no cartoon violence or singing Jiminy Crickets. You're just gonna feel miserable if you do something wrong. It's best to just ignore your conscience and try to get by doing what you feel is best. You'll only feel it if you do something really wrong, just like Gaius did.

Torture happens when someone hurts you and you feel really, really strong pain. They won't stop until you're almost dead. See page 550, chapter Demonic D'Anna and Her Terrible Torture Chamber.

Learn from this (tm): If you're feeling really happy, something awful is bound to happen soon. Life just isn't meant to be easy.

-----



Suddenly, Six is there again! And she looks as sexy as ever. But wait - no one else can see or hear her. Is she an angel sent by an unknown God, or a cylon chip in his brain, or a hallucination*? Either way, she can still give him a good frakking*. But she also helps Gaius remember the terrible things he has caused, loves teasing him, and won't leave him alone at all. And she's always touching him when others are looking! This makes Gaius very nervous and worried that others will find out. No matter what he does, he can't escape her. He's trapped on Colonial One, and with her.

Did you know? (tm): Hallucinations are like nightmares, but you see them when you're awake. You can't escape them by waking up. Hallucinations are really scary. If you have them, don't tell anyone because they will put you in mental hospital and you'll never get out.

Frakking - you guessed it, it means sex. It's close to another, more common word that we weren't allowed to print here. Hint: replace "ra" with "u". Hint 2: It rhymes with "ducking". Try it out - a good word for many purposes! :)

How would YOU feel? (tm): If Gaius doesn't tell anyone about all this, he will feel really bad and be all alone with it. If he tells someone, the others will hate him and kill him. How would this make YOU feel? Discuss with Mommy/Stepmommy and Daddy/Stepdaddy and/or Grandma/Grandpa/Other Legal Guardian.

Order the book TODAY. What are you still waiting for? Do you want to deprive your child of the joy of discovery and education? Don't be as selfish as Gaius - give your child the gift of learning NOW*!

$ 500 + shipping fee.

* in 5-10 weekdays.

Have you read these yet?:
Naughty Gaius Is a Nymphomaniac Narcissist
Naughty Gaius Is a Sex God

Crafty Kara Gets Drunk and Disorderly
Crafty Kara And the Mysterious Mandala
Crafty Kara Is the Harbringer of Death

Little Leland: Why Doesn't My Daddy Love Me?
Little Leland Has a Death Wish
"Little" Leland And the Treacherous Treats

written by Deniselle
cover by Deniselle
screenshots by Sidestepping

4 comments:

Hullu said...

There's definitely a market for this!

(=I would read)

I wanted to ask, what is Gaius paying for "the natural way"? I thought it was rather the other way around? Six expresses her gratitude to Gaius "the natural way" for letting her access the whatever it is, the defense system thingy? Or just frakking with his head with endorphins...

Best,
Your New Reader

Deniselle said...

Do place an order - I can sell it for just 500 euros!

Actually, I kinda thought of that myself after posting it. It depends on how you look at it, but I guess it would be Six paying with sex and not Gaius. Although Gaius doesn't give her money for doing the work,so I don't know.

It's one of the latest additions, I might want to rethink and switch it around. Or not, I mean the book might not be the best source for BSG info. :D

Welcome to peruse the blog! It might get a bit crazy in here, but judging by your name, you wouldn't mind that. Your blog looks cool too! :)

boot-the-grime said...

Actually, neither one was paying with sex... She was doing his work, in exchange for access to the defense frame. So, it was really the good old exchange of goods. :) Sex made the exchange (a lot) more pleasant. The only problem was that Gaius completely misunderstood the reasons Six needed that particular merchandize (access to the defense frame, that is)... He thought it was for the next year's tender, when in fact it was for the next morning's genocide.

Deniselle said...

"Next morning's genocide" :D Yeah, I think you're right. Sex was just a side dish in a mutually attractive (pun intended) business relationship.

Actually, all I have to edit is "that's what Naughty Gaius is doing" out, and it's just a good advice for life. ;)