Friday, January 29, 2010

Downloaded: A Picspam


Cylon agent 04827894r, a model Six, completed her mission on Caprica and was able to gain access into the defense mainframe. After her successful task, she is now being downloaded to a new body.

Memory scan: 0 %.



Memory scan: 50 %. You will notice that the agent frequently engaged in what humans call "frakking". This was done not for pleasure, but for business, to obtain the codes. While the human is helpless in the throes of his sexual needs, we are convinced that the agent had no feelings involved whatsoever. Cylon efficiency at its best!





Memory scan: 100 %. Consciousness activated.

Caprica: Wh... what... where... I was in a house..?
The Three: You're not in a house anymore. Now you're back with us.
Caprica: M-multiple orgasms..?
The Three: Yeah, I'm afraid the time for those is over. Your mission is complete. You're a hero!

Caprica: Gaius... Gaius was in the house... is he dead?
The Three: Gaius Baltar?
Caprica: How many Gaiuses do you know?
The Three: Fair enough. Well...

HeadBaltar: (longest shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh in tv history) I'm not really here!
Don't let on that you can see me or there'll be trouble! Oh, but don't worry, you're not crazy. I'm an angel.



The Three: Caprica, would you mind terribly if Dr Baltar was dead?
HeadBaltar: Say no or you're dead meat.
Caprica: Um, it would be... unfortunate... not that I care because I'm a completely emotionless machine.
The Three: Atta girl. Welcome back to our world.

SIX MONTHS LATER, TWO YEARS LATER, ETC....
(The time tags are really confusing but suffice it to say, around the same time the second season of Galactica is happening onboard...)

Caprica: Isn't this park such a relaxing place?
HeadBaltar: I suppose so, once they clean out those bodies scattered all over.




HeadBaltar: So many people died here. I despise you and your kind.
Caprica: Ahh, your hair...
HeadBaltar: Are you even listening? -Well, at least you're paying attention to something. My hair is pretty gorgeous.

The Three (faux-cheerfully): How are we doing here?
Caprica: Ah, just fine... unwinding in the park, thinking cylon stuff...


Caprica: I do feel kind of stiff still. This body, I know it's identical but I don't really feel... myself yet.
The Three: I remember when I first downloaded. It was painful and stiff. But you know what, you get over it!
Caprica: Right, with time....
The Three: No, I mean, you get over it. Now.

The Three: You're such a hero now! And to think of what you did. Seducing a man so completely and having him under your power. I mean, your mission could be very ... unsettling.
HeadBaltar: Hey, what so unsettling about sleeping with me?
Caprica: Hmmm...
HeadBaltar: Caprica? Tell her I was good.
Caprica: Hmmm...



The Three: Anyhoo, I thought you could check in another cylon who downloaded around the time you did. She's having some troubles adjusting. She still insists on calling herself Sharon.
Caprica: You mean like how some models prefer to be called Cavil, or Simon?
The Three: No, this time it's a sign of adjustment issues.
Caprica: How so?
The Three: Look, it's not supposed to make sense. Just go to her house and try to convince her to be a cylon.


The Three: ...Because if you don't, we will have to kill her consciousness.
HeadBaltar: Oh, how lovely! Damn it's good to be a cylon!
Caprica: Shut the frak up!
The Three: Excuse me?!
Caprica: I was talking to my um... conscience.
The Three: That's the spirit!

AN UNIDENTIFIED TIME LATER, at Boomer's place, things are going not altogether well...

Caprica: "Listen, your mission was God's will. He'll help you out."
Boomer: "Well, I don't believe in your God!"
Caprica: (awkwardly) "Eh, but... God believes in you!"
Boomer: *eye-roll*
HeadBaltar: "Wow. You tell me you've never done this before? What a natural."
Caprica: "Shut up or help me out."


HeadBaltar: "OK, these elephants. Once you bring them up she will have a nervous breakdown and you guys can relate."

Boomer: The elephants? They just remind me of how I'M A FRAKKING CYLON!!!! AAARGHH! *throws a picture with a glass frame at the wall*


HeadBaltar: How clever! You scratched your own cheek in an attempt to get her sympathy.
Caprica: Why would you tell me that? I know what I did.
HeadBaltar: No, it's for the viewers. Look, here comes the replay.
Caprica: Oh, for the love of...
HeadBaltar: Get over it, you only have to do this for one episode.




HeadBaltar: "Listen, I can help you out. Just repeat in unison with me. I am different."
Caprica: "I am different."
(in unison:)
"I'm more like you. There was a man I loved. I'm sure he would have loved me too, eventually. Granted, he freaked out when I asked him if he loves me, and I caught him cheating on the day of the attacks. But I'm still convinced that somewhere deep inside he was able to love me..."

Boomer: "Awww, that is so desperate. I can totally relate to you now."



Later: the girls are bonding.

Boomer: Cylon tampons.
Caprica: Oh, totally superior to human ones. See, I told you there are good sides to our culture!
Boomer: So, you said you were in love with one of us. Who was it?


HeadBaltar: "Us", so cute! She thinks she's human. By the way, isn't it soothing to know that even as an angel, I'm still an alcoholic?



Caprica: *tries to grab an invisible glass, then remembers that might seem a bit crazy* Heh heh, silly me.
Boomer: Eh...
Caprica: Right. The guy. Maybe you've heard of him... Gaius Baltar?
Boomer: Gaius Baltar the athlete? Gaius Baltar the president of Picon? ...You don't mean doctor Baltar?!
Caprica: Right.
Boomer: He works for the cylons?!
Caprica: He's... alive?
Boomer: He's the frakking vice president of the twelve colonies! Where have you been? -Oh sorry, I forgot you've been dead.


*FIVE-MINUTE CLOSEUP OF CAPRICA'S EYES*


Meanwhile, on Galactica... Our "hero" tries to save the child of baby Hera. He's still looking every bit as charming and confident as HeadBaltar... um, maybe we just caught him on a bad day.

Adama: It's gotta be bad for humans if they wanted it.
Roslin: I don't know how we can be safe if that baby is onboard.

Gaius: But but... we gotta save the baby! It's some part human! I... totally have a scientific interest in this! *freaks out*

Roslin: Calm down, Dr Baltar.
Gaius: That's vice president Baltar! *his voice breaks in a whimper*
Roslin: For some reason, it's easy to forget that...

(Dear viewers, there was a big deleted storyline here where Gaius Baltar actually tried to save the baby, but we cut it for no apparent reason. Also: there was more Gina. Sorry.)

SOME TIME LATER... (It could be the same day, but honestly, who can keep track when they always seem to have the same clothes on?)

Boomer and Caprica are having coffee over at Ominous Café, where multiple copies of cylons are chatting and drinking their coffees.




HeadBaltar: Ahh, my hair...
Caprica: Why would the Three want us to talk? She knew you'd tell me about Gaius being alive.
HeadBaltar: Are you still on that? You robots sure are thick. As is my hair... *strokes*
Caprica (tries hard to not show her feelings of being hurt/turned on)


The Three (faux-cheerfully): Hi girls! Mind if I join ya? What were you talking about?

Caprica: Ehhhhh.....
Boomer: Ummmmm....
HeadBaltar: Oh for goodness sake, think of something! I don't know how the cylon race has survived so far.
Caprica: C-cylon tampons..?


MEANWHILE, on Galactica...
Roslin decided the best and fairest thing to do would be to pretend the baby died, and give it to some human mother so she can raise it as human. Gaius returns to his lab to find a seething HeadSix...

Gaius: "Listen, Six, the baby, well, it died. It's not my fault, I swear! Please don't kill me!"

HeadSix: (hisses) God... will...punish... youu....
Gaius: (unconvincingly) Um, I'm not scared because I don't believe in the cylon God so how could he punish me, eh...
HeadSix: ...with lack of sex!
Gaius: NOOOOOO!

MEANWHILE on Caprica:
There is an EXPLOSION because of the HUMAN RESISTANCE trying to kill the CYLONS. One HUMAN - ironically it's Anders who's one of the Final Five - ends up in the ruins with the three cylons we know... But Caprica and Sharon don't want to kill him.


Boomer: Look, why does he need to die?
The Three: Awww, so sweet! You want to save your little human buddy so you can play with him! You sure are frakked up, "Sharon".


Caprica: (to thin air as far as Three can see) Oh Gaius... I love you, I want you...
The Three: WTF? You're both demented! I should just box both of your lines right now.



HeadBaltar (meaningfully):
"Your wounds are red, cigarette smoke is blue,
let the smoke float and you will too..."

Caprica: What?!

HeadBaltar: OK, cut me some slack. I'm still new to this "ominous head character" thing.

HeadBaltar: Caprica, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. Now please kill the Three.

Caprica (kills the Three): Oh, Gaius. And I thought this head thing was going to be creepy.

Caprica Six convinced Boomer to work with her. And so they became Super-Caprica and Super-Boomer and the cylons may have done weird and wonderful things, if it weren't for Caprica's silly plan to go find her beloved Dr Baltar and frak him once more. And despite how awesome this episode was, there was never another one from the cylon point of view.
The End.

1 comment:

Wesoly said...

TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

Please do more of them!

:D