Re: "James Callis Doesn't Love You"

This is a response to the post James Callis Doesn't Love You, written by James Tyler of comawhite.co.uk. If you visit the link and see comments by "Deniselle", those are edited by James T. and not the way I had written them. The comments by Anna/Elina, who James T. imagines is the same person as me, have also been altered. He also removed all links I posted to this response, so that people couldn't see what I had written. Fair and square online conversation, in other words! I've never seen anything like this before. Attacking someone in a post, OK, but altering their comments to suit your own image of them? More than a bit disturbing. Talk about creating an echo chamber!

ETA: I will add this one note, since he has now edited his post to claim that he doesn't give a damn about me and he was just "setting a bait" and now I'm a fool for responding. Okay. That makes you look worse, though, not better. Because saying incredibly rude things about someone because you're mad at them shows a lack of maturity, but saying those things just to get a reaction shows an even greater lack of maturity. And yes, it does imply that you just sat there waiting for a reaction from me, so you could say when I react that you couldn't care less. You can't really argue that you set a bait and argue that you don't care about me or my reaction. You're kind of admitting that you're a mean SOB who deliberately wants to hurt people's feelings for your own amusement. This does not make you the bigger person.

This is one of those cases where I can tell the person went out of their way to offend me, without any knowledge of me personally. Basically I had a fight with their girlfriend, and he got upset, so he decided to make a post about me. So he just sat there thinking of possible offenses. "Let's see. There's nothing directly ridiculous about having a fan blog, and that's really the only thing I know about her. But I guess I can spin that into a ridiculous thing if I claim she thinks James Callis loves her too. How pathetic is that? Bwa ha! And let's look at her picture... wow, she's fat, isn't she! That's great material right there, fat girls go cry and eat a donut as soon as you tell them they're fat. Man, I'm good! I can't wait til she sees this! Now to post as many links on twitter as possible and just wait for her response."

So here's my response: Blah. You call that an offensive post? I've been called fat so many times I lost count, and really, I am fat, and that's not a bad thing to be. So that one's rather... duh. I'm also short, and in case you missed it, I do wear glasses. Like you correctly observed, I'm also female, so fan+girl=fangirl. And, since the most important quality of a woman is attractiveness, you did right to point out my objective lack thereof. I am greatly humbled and will now promptly remove this blog.

So, the unrelated accusation here is that James doesn't love me and I'm therefore stupid and pathetic to love him.

I like to be tongue-in-cheek in this blog, but I guess I have to start posting huge THIS IS SARCASM notes all over it, so people realize I don't genuinely think James loves me and the blog. On second thought: no, I won't. My blog, my rules. If you don't understand sarcasm, maybe you shouldn't read here.

Just this once, however, I will respond to this "critique" and state my case in all seriousness. I'm a fangirl, hear me roar. Ahem.

I've never met James and cannot speak for him (and no other blogger can either). The only thing I can say is: I love James Callis. Do I expect him to love me back? Absolutely not. It's not how fandom works. You love someone from a distance, and you're not expecting for it to be reciprocated. I don't know any - sane and adult - fan who truly honestly believes they will marry their idols. Especially if the idol in question is already married with children. And the fan in question is in a happy long-term relationship with a woman. I don't need James to fulfil my romantic and sexual needs. Not that there's anything wrong with a single fan dreaming of a relationship with a star, as long as they don't expect for it to actually happen.

Do I have fantasies of him being friends with me and kinda loving me back? Yes, like any fan, I have those fantasies. Do I hope he reads the blog, enjoys it, and comes back for more? Absolutely. Do I expect for these things to be a reality? No. For the sake of the fantasy, I do retain the hope that James reads and might express appreciation for the blog, should I meet him one day. The autograph gave me some of that validation. But I never took his "lots and lots of love always" thing to mean that he literally loves me. He always says "lots of love" to fans - in the panels, in the forums, in the autographs. It's his phrase. It probably doesn't mean very much, even if it is sweet. The reason I reacted so strongly this time is that he added to it. That, to me, implies that he meant some of it this time. Not that he loves me like he loves his wife, children, or friends. Not even like I love him. Just that he genuinely appreciated my fandom and/or the stuff I sent him. That's all I wanted.

Let's say James, despite his general sunny disposition and kind autograph, really doesn't give a flying frak about me. Which, really, is very possible. Let's say he even thinks I'm a little fanatic and tedious, if he's read the blog. Does this make me ridiculous and pathetic to dream about him? No. It's just how fandom works. He doesn't need to feel anything at all for me. I have every right to love him, adore him, idolize him, whatever I want. Because this is my fantasy and no one else's. I've chosen to make some of my fandom public in this blog, partially because other fans share similar feelings for him. As far as I can see, having a blog like this is perfectly fine, as long as it remains respectful to James and doesn't spread lies or false rumors.

I was going to write a longer discussion of fan identification and feeling like you know the person, but that will have to wait to another time. It's an interesting topic, really. Part of why I started this blog is to celebrate fandom in general (the other part is, of course, celebrating James Callis). If the blog pisses people off, then maybe I have succeeded in expressing something real and resonant.

I'm not well enough versed in psychology to know why fandom happens to some people and not to others, and what the magic is in loving someone you've never met and really don't know much about. I just know this: it is magical, and it's beautiful, and it's yours. No one can take it away from you. Daring to love someone is always worth it.