Facebook Glee

(Written on LJ on the 7th, so I'll just cross post here. I'm slightly calmer now, a week after it happened. But still happy. The only part that didn't apply was the idea that I would fetishize him less. Um, much fetishizing coming in the next Eureka post.)

I'm incredibly hyper in one way, but on the other hand... I feel at peace. Because I know James Callis reads my stuff, and thinks kindly of me, and is an awesome guy. I'm at peace with him. It feels good. It feels healing and cathartic and... I don't even know.

I may need a day or two.. or week or two.. to just chill out and get used to this. It's a huge thing for me. I feel so good right now. I feel like it would be boring to keep repeating how good I feel, but I will indulge myself at least with this one post.

I can't believe he contacted me. Obviously I've fantasized about him doing just that, but when it happened, I was blown away bc it was like... an alternate universe or something. Worlds colliding. My first reaction was just pure shock. The joy came after I had time to parse through it a little. Even if you fantasize about something, that doesn't mean you expect it to happen. It's a bit funny because I started my relationship with him in my head, so in that sense it's like marrying someone first thing and then getting to know them. And I'm shy and nervous and want to keep a certain distance, after being all over him for so long. It's all sort of blown away when I talk TO him. Or - swoon - HE talks to ME. (I should probably talk in imperfect tense, because I doubt he's meaning to start a long-term correspondence.) HeadJames is still in my head, though, so it will probably stay on the side. Or not? we'll see.

Does this change anything about the blog? Probably not ALL that much, because I've always written knowing he might read - and suspecting he does - so I haven't really censored any of my feelings. I won't send him PMs about his belly/hair/smoking/whatever, but I may squee about them in the blog bc it's a part of my fandom. Obviously nothing I see on his FB goes on my blog. I may have to separate the two realms a little.

It's possible that the nature of the fangirling will change slightly. The main difference for now is that I see him more as a real person, someone with a personality defined long before I became a fan. I think I've seen him slightly as an extension of my own dreams and fantasies. I imagined it would be, on some level, disappointing to have contact. It's not. It's not HOW I pictured it, but it's really joyful, soothing and rewarding. In a way, it makes him appear smaller though, like he's more equal with me than before. I don't know what it is. It's not specifically anything he does or says, just that... he's just another guy using Facebook, not presented as "THE STAR OF THE DAY, JAMES CALLIS". His updates show up highlighted, but then so do everyone else's - there's no difference between "Nicole likes x's status" and "James Callis likes x's status". I've never considered this, but the fact that he's always on stage, on camera, etc. is probably a part of why I see him as something Higher. Maybe I need to bring him back on my level a bit.

In time, this might lead to him becoming less fascinating and attractive in my eyes. BUT. I think it will be really good for my self esteem and the way I treat James on the blog. Knowing he approves of me, I can't imagine becoming crushingly disappointed or upset, even if he said something I can't really agree with. I don't have to build him up as a superhero. I think. This has not yet been tested, but I'm pretty good with people disagreeing with me once I trust them.

I can't see the most private stuff on his FB, and that feels comfortably distant, like he has a space for himself too. I'm not intruding on something he doesn't want to share. I'm still a little shy and don't feel overly comfortable communicating with him on FB. I've browsed thru his photos but so far, I'm not "liking" any, bc I don't want him to come to FB to "you have 300 notifications - Deniselle Baltar likes your photo, Deniselle Baltar likes your photo, Deniselle Baltar commented on your photo, etc. etc.". I don't want him to regret adding me.

So I'm a little nervous still. But then I do this with everyone I find cool. The first times I interacted with Nicole, for instance, I always thought I must sound SO DUMB. Because, you know, Nicole is so judgemental and scary that there's real reason to worry. :D