OK, so I'm tentatively going to Bonn. This is not a promise, but it's how I feel at the moment, so I feel confident enough to post it. If I do go, you will see a lot of reporting here about the event. If I don't, you will see other people's reports and my jealous mutterings. Rain check regarding money and mental health. I will confess that I splurged on a new laptop, but I do need it. My mental health, however, has been improving drastically lately, so I might actually be able to handle this. I feel better about myself and more confident in general. Fan meetings are a big test on nerves and self-confidence, though, so I might not be able to go through with it. But as it is right now, I can imagine going, which is a start.
Like I wrote earlier, I'm a little anxious as to whether James reads the blog and stuff. But he must have seen me post at the JC forum either way, so he has some idea that he has a fan in Finland who's a bit ... (self esteem check)... charming or at least as acceptable as anyone else. Eh.
I promise not to do any of the following:
1. Print out my entire blog. Then have him sign each page with a different witty remark (which I will later post in the blog, but no pressure!). I'd best be last in line because this could take a while...
2. "I'll be out of your hair in a minute, hahahhaaha" (maniacal laughter) *snaps a hair off James' head* *snaps a hair off James' chest* *snaps hairs off various other unmentionable places* *gets carried out by security*
3. "Have you been eating donuts lately or not? It's hard to tell with your shirt on, could you just remove it and I can palpate a bit... Don't be shy!" (I could bring a stetoscope to make it appear like I'm a doctor.)
4. Show up with a full body tattoo of his body. Or alternatively just his face on my belly. I'd tell him to sign it well because I'm going to have it tattooed on...
5. Bring him the gift of "Baltar's blood vials". Full of my own blood.
I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Which is that I'm really nervous about the meeting and sure I'm going to be shy and awkward, so I need to make up these random scenarios that certainly won't be happening.
I'm not sure what to expect. I know he'll be sweet and lovely and all that, but I will probably be bumbling and shy, or at least FEEL bumbling and shy, and not be able to be the witty, composed, almost ingenious blog author you all know. I do have an alternate reality fantasy where I'm really witty and relaxed with him and make a really good impression, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.
I have to stop thinking about it because my heart is beating really fast. Which might mean I'm not ready to go, but it's two months left to make an actual decision. Whatever I do, it should be something I'm personally comfortable with. James can live without ever meeting me and I can live without ever meeting him (I think), so my mental health comes first. I'll keep you posted on the final decision.