It really looks like I won't be able to afford the Bonn con in September. I might still, but it's a pretty remote possibility. The con is on September 12 and I'm paying the last of the laptop on September 15. Also on Sept 15: my loan payments which come up to - about as much as the con would. Starfury in London in November - probably even more expensive and not all that much further ahead, so... a pretty definite no on that as well. I'd best just accept that I probably won't go there either.
I'm not sorry I bought the laptop. I really need one, and it's something I will be using every day for many years. It was a mature thing to spend money on, rather than spending on one day abroad meeting an actor.
And because I'm mature and 30 this year, I did not cry over this. And I didn't feel crushed by the thought that I might never meet him. It's understood when you're a fan that you might never meet the person. It might even be better that way, because how could it ever live up to your dreams? I told myself this over and over.
So why am I so disappointed? My brain had gone thru all the scenarios and ended up with "things are fine the way they are", but my heart was already onto "Eeee I'm going to meet James!!!!"
When I was considering going, all I could think of was the myriad ways in which it could be disappointing and awkward. Now that I know I probably won't go, all I can think of is how OMG awesome it could have been. I guess that proves that under my self-doubts, I had this vision of stepping in front of James, and at that moment, all the clouds of doubt and anxiety would vanish. There'd only be him, Real!James in the flesh, shining at me personally. And that dream did give me some kind of hope and joy.
So - I am sad. If I don't post about this again, assume I am not going to either con. I'll still post others' reports and links, and hopefully there'll be a lot of fun details. It's still an all-James con, which is awesome, whether I can be there or not.