Gaius: I am going to lose.
Six: Are you done feeling sorry for yourself?
Gaius: No. Shut up.
Six: Nothing a little seduction can't fix...
Gaius: No! I need my blood in my brain.
Six: Gaius. It is blasphemy to not have sex when God ordains it. But for now... *slams his head in the desk* I'll spare you.
Tom Zarek: You OK, Gaius..?
Gaius: Yes! Yes! OK! I'm OK! Just lying my head on the table, thinking!
Tom: *to himself* Geniuses...
Laura: I'm going to win today, you know that, right?
Gaius: Your mother is, but what am I?
Gaius: ..so fat. Your mother is so fat. Me being skinny means that.. eh..
Laura: You are so going down.
Gaius: (reads) "Dr Baltar may be a brilliant scientist and have sexy luscious hair" - true, but hear what comes after that: "..but his political views fail to convince, and his 'knock knock' jokes just don't work in this context."
Tom: Well, that's a rough start, but come on. Chin up! Always look on the bright side of life! Dada, tada tada tada...
Gaius: Oh thank you so much Tom! That made me feel all better. Maybe GOD will stretch down his mighty hand and win me this race, how about that?
Tom: You mean gods?
Gaius: Right. Gods. Ahem.
Next: GOD helps the fleet find a PLANET. Gaius doesn't think very much of it but Tom thinks it's the key to his victory, because Laura doesn't want them to settle on the planet.
HeadSix: Listen to him, Gaius. He has great ideas. Plus I have a total crush on him.
Tom: Mmm... Weird, did it get hot in here?
Gaius: You know what, if people are dumb enough to move there, let's give them what they want, huh?
Tom: That's the spirit.
People: Yay! We love you Gaius!
Gaius: M-Madam President..? I was expecting someone else... (thinks: thank god I didn't expose my glow-in-the-dark speedo yet!)
Laura: I'm sorry, that lusty note was from me.
Gaius: Heh, well I think right before the election is not the time to...
Laura: Eww, no! I wanted us to have a private talk without the press finding out.
Gaius: (disappointed) Fine, be deceptive... So what do you want?
Laura: This planet. We don't want to just settle onto it. We want to research it and find stuff out. So I say let's take it out of the presidential election and make the decision later. I'm appealing your sense of patriotism.
Gaius: My sense of PAT-riotism is very good. Thank you very much for ahsking. I don't know about you, but *I* say things the British way! And I see it as my DUTY to lead my people to a new land, to freedom! To be the great leader of the new millennium!
Laura: Oh my god, you've gone insane.
Gaius: No, you have. How dare you mix filthy politics into an issue of FREEDOM and LIBERTY and PATRIOTISM! By the way - Laura - once we're done with the election, I can meet you in private ANY time.
Laura: By the by, I saw you with a tall, blonde woman on Caprica. Was she a cylon? Are you with cylons?
Six: She knows, Gaius. LIE! And for god's sake try not to look guilty!
Gaius: This is just ridiculous. Do you have any idea how many tall, blonde women I've had - even after coming onto this fleet?
Six: Good. Now go.
Gaius: And your mother is so fat...
Six: Oh no, just quit while you're ahead.
Gaius *runs away like a scared little boy*
Laura (thinks) I may just have to kill you in your sleep.
Against all odds, Gaius LOSES the ELECTION.
Tom: Gaius. This election is fixed. I can tell a fixed one when I see one.
Gaius: You know, I can't see Laura doing that. Kill me in my sleep, maybe - suck the life out of me with her gaze - possibly even stab me and leave me to bleed... But do something dishonest? No. Never.
Felix Gaeta: Hey, these are the wrong ballots! The real ballots have Dr Baltar's name spelled wrong. I should know, after writing "Dr Felix Baltar" in my notebook so many times.. eh, I mean...
Tigh: *grumps* Just let me handle this, OK? You run along. *acts shiftily*
Felix, who was a total CRUSH on BALTAR, refuses to let things lie and lets Adama know about THIS. (Why am I doing this random caps thing? It stopped making sense ages ago.)
Bill Adama: What happened, Laura? Did they do this without your knowledge?
Laura: Bill, I had to do something. He tried to come onto me. And he told "your mother is so fat" jokes. It was either that or kill him in his sleep.
Bill: Laura, I know he's horribly embarrassing. But we can't stoop to his level.
Laura: Sniff... I know, but come on, *I* should be president! I'm the hero!
Bill: Yes, you are. Which is why we have to be honorable and lose and let him be the villain he's meant to be.
Gaius: I think it's very strange that someone happened to rig the election in Roslin's favor! As President, I demand an investigation!
Adama: Listen, she may have done something fishy, but she's still the hero and you're the villain so take your presidency and shut up!
We interrupt the sillinness to bring you some really depressing, tragic scenes.
Gaius wants to be together with Gina on New Caprica. But Gina is not coming there. Look at the eyes on these two. Puppy eyes Gaius and Gina so broken yet strong with her no. (L)!!!
And so Gina kills herself and Cloud Nine with her, while Baltar gives his presidential vows. And I have nothing funny to say about this. Even Adama seems to feel kind of sorry for him. No HeadSix, nothing in his empty room. He is alone.
Ron D Moore: "I'm a genius!"
David Eick: "What is it now?"
RDM: "Well, I just thought of how we can smoothly transition from this scene to one year later!"
DE: "Really, how?"
RDM: "We'll zoom in on Baltar's hair, zoom out and write a caption that says ONE YEAR LATER!"
DE: "OMG! You're a genius!"
RDM: "I know!! And you know what would be even cooler? If Baltar doesn't wash his hair at all during that year."
DE: "You are so brilliant. I'm in awe."
RDM: "Me too."
Hookers (in unison): Morning Mr President! Last night was wonderful!
Gaius: Eh...who the fr.. I mean.. thank you, it was my pleasure! ..I think. Where are my drugs? (takes drugs)
Felix: (despisingly) Morning, Mr President.
Gaius: (with equal disdain but way less right to feel that way) You again. What do you want?!
Felix: It's your JOB, Mr President. You promised to meet some people. They're out of medicine and...
Gaius: Oh for frak's sake!! I do so much for these people. Do I not, Felix?
Gaius: (not listening) Exactly! I slave away here and all they do is complain about the weather!
Felix: Sir, I think you'll find that...
Gaius: Did I ask for your opinion?
Felix: (sighs rather like Kif) No...
Gaius: Shut up then. And tell the union leaders I will have everyone killed unless they listen to me! You're dismissed. Hooker to the left, please expose your boobs.