Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My Therapist Loves James Callis, Part 2

I spent my therapy talking about James Callis, again. And I feel better, again. I know I already went thru this facebook thing there, but it's been only two months and I really haven't had a chance to deal with it. Or maybe I had to put it away for a while and focus on other stuff so I could deal with it when the first feelings are over.

My therapist really has a positive image of James through me - and he mentioned checking some of James' work as well, to see what he's like. He said James seems kind and empathetic, but I must remember how much he has going on with the work and the family and traveling. He wouldn't have the time or mental energy to form a similar bond with me that I feel with him, even if he probably reads my blog and appreciates it. I need to be realistic about what I can expect. I can't necessarily know what boundaries he's laid out long before I became a fan. I have to separate the private James and the public James - the former I may never get to know. And even if I dream about it, it probably wouldn't feel as good as I imagine; I'd overanalyze my own behavior with him and his behavior at me. I may not be able to take it. Robyn also said this.

Robyn and I had been laying the ground work, so I felt I could deal with it better with the therapist as well - I have only 50 minutes every two weeks with him, after all. He and Robyn both said I seem to need reassurance from James that my fandom doesn't offend him or disturb him in some way. Robyn further said that women's sexuality is taboo and causes guilt, and because I write about the fat fetish a lot, it makes me feel like I'm doing something bad to him. Which might in fact be a big part of what I'm going through. The therapist said James would have to be a pretty narcissistic person to sit around looking for insults in fan blogs.

Considering all we know about him, I really don't see him being offended by my words and observations. (Amused, maybe. Or even flattered. Or maybe ignoring the fetish stuff altogether and focusing on the other aspects.) Yet on an emotional level, I always feel iffy. He probably doesn't gain weight on purpose just to turn fans on. Maybe he's sensitive about it. Or maybe he hasn't even gained weight and I'm imagining it bc it's what I want to see? It's probably that thing about female sexuality though, rather than any real concern.

I think I wanted him to reassure me by either adding or ignoring me - I was perfectly happy the first day when he hadn't done anything about me - and the blocking made me feel like he was saying that my fandom offends him. I know he must have boundaries with fans, and he has to be the one to set them and I do respect that.

As long as James is not ANGRY with me, I'm happy. I'll never know what he actually thinks, of course, but at least it feels good to know that neither my therapist nor Robyn think he could be seething with anger because I annoy him so much.

So is fandom a delusion? Maybe, but so what? Many people think faith is a delusion too, and I have no problem with that. The therapist said people have all kinds of delusions that help them feel better, but there's nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn't turn into something negative.

So I think I'm off to delude myself. Perhaps with some extra bellylicious pictures.

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