Naughty Gaius is a Nymphomaniac Narcissist

OK, so here's the book I sent James. I made illustrations by hand, and while I did take some photos with my webcam, they are... well, see below.. not particularly good. I was thinking of possibly reproducing some drawings, perhaps on the computer, but for now this is all you're going to get. Sorry.

So the point of the book is to be a parody of children's books. I've made one before, called Naughty Gaius and the Soul-Breaking Guilt, and you can read it here. If this one isn't up to par, just remember I was super nervous, because I knew James would read it.




James looking at my book! The look on his face = absolute best scenario for a reaction. He looks like he gets the joke. He didn't have time to actually read it but I can see he appreciated it. (L)!!! Photo by René Kissien of Caprica-City.



The cover. It's one of the best arrogant poses in my opinion, and the sexy lady seducing him helps make it even more child-friendly.

IMPORTANT WORDS

Nymphomaniac: Someone who thinks about sex all the time and wants to have it with everyone. Naughty Gaius loves sex and is also very good at it. Nymphomaniacs or nymphos have a lot of fun in life, and they can teach us many things. In this book, you can find Gaius' best tips for sex (see pp.100-350).

Narcissist: Someone who thinks only about him- or herself. Other people are there for a reason: to make Gaius' life a little easier. A narcissist has an easy time in life because he or she doesn't have to care about other people's stupid feelings. Imagine it: you could do and say whatever you want, and focus on having fun!

Arrogant: This is what losers call someone who thinks he or she is good. Remember: there is nothing wrong with self-confidence! Gaius thinks he's better than everyone else, and often he is right. After all, he is a genius. (Are you a genius? Who says you're not?)

The clown of fun (and education, though he seems to be letting go of that balloon). I colored him in green, which made him more monster-like. He looked mighty scary to me while coloring. A lovely mascot for a children's book.

Gaius' life is one big party. He meets a lot of beautiful girls and indulges* in drinking and smoking* and, most of all, sex.

Indulge: If you enjoy doing something and do it a lot, that's called indulging. Some lame people try to "control" their lives and stop doing things they enjoy. Remember: you only live once, it's your only chance to indulge. (Or is it? See our book Six the Cylon and the Conundrum of Eternal Life.) Tips for indulging: see chapter 50, Gaius' Great Book of Pleasure.

Indulging in donuts. If James hasn't read my blog, he might not get the reference (I doubt he sees himself as a big donut hog in general), but I don't care. The colorful donuts add a nice childlikeness to the page. To the left: smoking after sex. There's basically four happy-looking dogs smoking. An orgy if you will.

Did you know? Smoking makes you feel good and look cool. You may be too young to buy cigarettes because of stupid laws, but ask your big sister/brother/older friend to buy them for you! It's best to not let Mommy/Daddy/other legal guardian know though, because parents have this stupid idea that children can't smoke. Don't listen to them, they're just trying to stop you from having fun. You don't want to miss out, do you? Start today!

"You can't have fun without alcohol!" This is perhaps the worst picture of them all, because you can basically see only me and my tongue, which always come out when I try to balance something. On top: "Smokers are cool!" (I tried to make this dog look a bit like James, but I'm not sure if it worked.) I drew a fangirl with hearts in her eyes next to that one. Bottom: "Smokers make new friends!" with dogs gleefully smoking and playing poker.

Gaius' Daddy, Julius, is a mean old man. He likes to make his son feel bad and isn't at all proud of everything he's done. Even if Gaius pays for his house and caretaker, Julius is always complaining and making people angry*.

"How much is he paying you?" Julius asks Six*. This makes Gaius so angry that he starts to beat his father with a newspaper. "See how he treats me?" Julius says to Six.

Did you know? This is how people get when they're old. It will also happen to your parents. Even if they're nice to you now, they're going to be horrible when you're a grown up. The only thing you can do is put them in an institution where people are paid to take care of them. You don't have to visit very often. Six also puts Gaius' father in an instituion, and he is finally happy.

Fun tip: You can buy sex from a hooker. If you want attention from your parents, ask your Daddy/stepdaddy if he ever bought sex. Even better, ask Mommy/Stepmommy if she ever sold herself. You're sure to get an answer out of them!

Fact of life: Sometimes you have to resort to violence with your old parents. It's not "right" or "wrong", it just is like that.

Angry Old Person. (I drew blood into the cane as well.) To the right, not pictured: "Hooker dog is censored". (You could see her legs and high heels though.)

Dear Mother/Father/Other Legal Guardian!

So, that's the end of our intergalactic sample of Naughty Gaius is a Nymphomaniac Narcissist! How did you like it? Or let's put it this way: how much did you LOVE it?


A. Enough to buy the entire 500-page opus? Yay! All you have to do is contact us and we will send you a copy! Prices:

Hardcover: $ 700 plus postage (to be announced later)

Paperback: $ 650 plus postage (see above)


B. Not enough to buy it? Sigh. Well, it's your choice. We respect your decision to deprive your children of fun and wholesome education. However, since we did work so hard at making this booklet for you, you still owe us $ 300 plus postage ($ 100). Be fair, or hear from our collection agency later!


Sincerely,

Appropriate Children's Books Ltd.

I think I scribbled in an autograph that said "Appropriate Children's Books Ltd" in really messy handwriting, but I'm not sure.

Back cover:

Don't forget our other entertaining and educational titles!

Crafty Kara Goes Drunk and Disorderly

Crafty Kara and the Quixotic Quadrangle

Crafty Kara and the Corroding Corpse


Toolman Tyrol is a Woeing Widower

Toolman Tyrol and the Fading Fatherhood

Toolman Tyrol and the Strangling Rage


Written and illustrated by Deniselle

Bound by Elina


Guarantee: This book was handled with care by two (2) loving fangirls and warm thoughts were sent to you while making it.