Monday, April 19, 2010

My Therapist Loves James Callis

I feel so good right now.

I went to therapy today and talked about the Facebook thing. I brought my autograph to show what kind of contact I had with James previously. The therapist looked it over and said that it seems like James is a sympathetic, humorous person who really appreciates fans. He also said that given the constraints of this kind of relationship, James probably meant more, not less, than he wrote in the autograph. I said I realize it might be fake, but he said, "No, I don't think so. The length and the word choices... it's genuine." (L)!!!!! (He also had trouble reading James' handwriting - I had to help him with "privilege". Hee!)

Then he said, "So you have all this on the positive side. And on the negative side? That guy who attacked you and what else now?" Well, nothing... apart from the FB blockage, but he seemed to consider that pretty unimportant. He said that anyone reading the attack post would realize this guy has some issues, and that it was a completely unwarranted attack, even if it must feel bad to read that stuff, especially if you worry already what James thinks of you.

He also told me to consider how busy James must be. How much time would he have to think about fans and react to us? He said James probably does read the blog and it probably means a lot to him that there are fans who are so enthusiastic. But no matter how big the fandom is in MY life, and how much time I have put into it, James will inevitably have less time to really think about fandom - as in all fans, not just me. So when I worried I may have upset James and scared him from any further fan contact, the therapist said that's really unlikely, also given the time constraints. There'd have to be two Jameses: one to react emotionally to my posts and another to act and do everything else.

So I feel really relieved right now. Remember, this is a professional who knows about people, not a fan who has to see him in an idealized light. He didn't even know about James previously. If he thinks the autograph is appreciative, and doesn't think the FB blockage means anything... Well, he can't see into James' head of course, but still. This felt really good.

I said I want the fandom to be FUN again, and something that doesn't give me stress or self-doubts. He said it's become a relationship in my life - and he said this in a positive way, not like I have an unhealthy obsession, so whew - and that when it becomes a big thing, there will also be negative things. But he promised to help me bring it back on a level that is fun and carefree. He also thought it was a good sign that I can still gush about the FF photos and the donuts (I don't care what anyone says, he looks chubby in those photos. Remember: I'm the expert!)

My therapist also said that this relationship I have with James - whatever it means to him - is not something that can be jeopardized at this point. That made me feel really safe and happy in my fandom.

So maybe this is, all in all, a good thing. I can try and stop worrying about the fandom and bring it back to fun and carefree; I can feel accepted as a fan, because whether or not James wants me on his Facebook, we'll always have the autograph.


Elina said...

... you told your therapist about your lust for donuts and James' donut gut... ?? :O Wow... :D

I think I'm happy for you that James fandom is your biggest worry at the moment. :D

Deniselle said...

Of course I did! :D I didn't mention how OFTEN I think about it though...

Well, I don't need a crisis to feel bad, but I'm back to "random anxiety over nothing", which I kind of prefer. James should be a happy thing in my life.